As a young woman, I'm afraid of marriage and having kids, and it slowly becomes fear of dating. I guess I want a family and kids, but the huge responsibilities and vulnerability that come with it are intimidating.
It means that I would need to sacrifice my career, which leads to financial vulnerablity and maybe even become financially dependent for a while UNLESS I achieve my financial freedom beforehand, which seems super difficult.
Similar to your situation, I quit my job last year and started doing Amazon FBA (which flopped). I moved in with my parents since Jan and started working remotely as a headhunter while figuring out what I want to do for life, also what leads me to financial freedom, so that I can go on and have a family and kids stress-free.
I'm turning 28 this year and it may seem that I still have a lot of time, but I'm afraid I don't.
All these being said, I understand your anxiety and I feel the same!
Today, this thought of "maybe I'll never achieve financial freedom and have a family and kids" came across my mind. I'm an optimistic person in general, so it did not come as a denial to myself but rather just a pure possibility.
I actually felt peaceful. I trust that I could still live a beautiful life even if things don't turn out as I wished them to and that whatever needs to happen will happen. I'll just do my best and leave the rest, stop controlling and start trusting.
Just wanted to share my thoughts on this topic, and I'm aware that it's not very relevant to the book review lol.
Hi Lara! I'm so glad you shared. This resonates. I feel in a similar place as wanting some financial freedom before kids.
Where does that come for you? Was that true for your parents? I'm curious how you think about it because I'm questioning that narrative for myself:
It seems kind of crazy that I tell myself that? That in order to have kids and experience such a core part of human existence I need to be financially independent by 30? 35? 99% of kids in human history have been raised by parents who did not have financial independence. My parents weren't and I still enjoyed my childhood.
>I trust that I could still live a beautiful life even if things don't turn out as I wished them to and that whatever needs to happen will happen. I'll just do my best and leave the rest, stop controlling and start trusting.
Thank you for asking, Grant! I never really questioned where that thought came from before.
My parents weren't financially independent either, and I still had a happy childhood too.
Tbh, I'm not sure which one came first, the ambition itself or the external factors. I do have some thoughts:
1. It might come from the fear of not being able to give my children what my parents once gave me, like a stable and secure environment.
I feel there's a lot more uncertainty in today's world compared to my parents' time. I think a good financial foundation can just make everything easier.
2. I have this belief that I won't have to choose between my career and family if I'm financially independant. (maybe I'm wrong?) I don't want to sacrifice one for the other.
3. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just being ambitious or if I'm being greedy. Am I wanting too much?
Thanks for this, Grant! I appreciate that you’re opening this conversation. I’m thinking about dating again after 7 years as well, and there are so many new things I’m considering in this phase of my life. I similarly feel the push/pull of wanting to take my time while also pragmatically approaching family planning. I’m curious how you’re thinking about how to bridge the gap from being open to "going on dates with people we might not think we’re compatible with” to the decision itself to go on a date with someone. What does that in-between time look like? What questions are you asking yourself/the other person? How do you transition from an open mind to tangible actions?
It was intimidating for me! It's been exciting too and really positive.
Ooo great question. I haven't thought about it in those terms, but here are three examples that maybe illustrate some changes I've mad:
1. Saying yes to a blind date. A friend reached out about someone in LA. I might have said yes prior, but would have asked for more info. This time I just said yes.
2. In a similar vein, I'm thinking about asking friends to set me up and saying that I'll go on at least one date with anyone they set me up with.
3. Caring less about what people do for work. I have a lot of identity in work and am ambitious. I like those traits in a partner, but I also think that's because it makes me feel better about myself. So I've tried to pay more attention to when I am drawn or not to someone based on what they do and being more open minded.
Does that answer the question? It's all an experiment at the end of the day.
Yeah, that makes sense! It sounds like the decision to go on a date can be made before the opportunity arises, which essentially eliminates that gap of potential indecision. I like that approach as an option; it really puts an “open mind” into practice. I’m reflecting about times I’ve self-proclaimed to be open to something when in reality, I’m operating within narrow parameters.
Thinking about it as an experiment is a little scary to me! I appreciate that perspective, though, and it’s certainly another idea to add to the pastiche.
Great POV. I read this one, funny enough, after I started a long term relationship with my partner. And I definitely think I was unintentionally applying some of its teachings before hand so…the takeaways definitely can work, but also you’ve got a glass half full vibe and that’s the best way to go into dating. As long as you are having fun throughout it all
Dating is a interesting thing to navigate. Being willing to establish new relationships built on respect, things in common, trust and hopefully laughter are great foundations. Then if you and the other person have similar interests and outlook on life and enjoy each other's company; you consider exploring things further. Just try not to be in a hurry. I wish you much success in this endeavor. Nevertheless, enjoy the journey; you'll learn more about others and yourself!
In this time, dating is definitely difficult. I find myself in the verge of accepting single blessedness and still hoping to find my man (though I'm still in my late 20's).
Honestly, I'm really not open to "widening" my horizon because people are gonna expect that the moment I entertain them, it's an automatic yes. And it's even harder to reject.
I had a couple of takes in seeing out those who were not my type but I just can't bring myself to like them or have a relationship with. If my heart, head and soul isn't in unison, then I'll reject the person. Either one is in doubt and it shouldn't be the case. You have to be convinced that you like him/her and have the intention to be with them in a relationship.
The men in my country seem to not look for wife material - women who are dignified, strong emotional communication and independent. Maybe I can find my luck on the international side 😅
The head, heart, and soul need to be in it for sure. Is there a reason you think that people are going to expect that? That doesn't seem reasonable and is their responsibility, not yours.
yeah it isn't but I had instances wherein one, I was blamed for making him court me for a year. I rejected him twice, and he started ranting about the negatives. The other one was stalked me.
Maybe this is too pragmatic, but this is how I approached dating in my late 30's.
Yes, I'm a woman, so my biological clock was ticking.
I wanted to find my best match, but KNEW NO ONE WOULD BE PERFECT!🤣
So, that said I made a list. A list of things I absolutely NEEDED as non- negotiable for me to be able to have a successful meaningful relationship with this future person.
But they were reasonable requests/needs. And they were things I could ensure this person, form MY end as well
Things lik,e they need to be good with money and not be a spendthrift that would nickel and dime us.
Needed to agree on religion and politics.
You have to know yourself enough to know what things are important on you, deal breakers, and what you're willing to live with. Are they a hoarder? Is their personality weird or generally offensive? That sort of thing. 🤣
I'm of the school of thought, that if you're both on the same page on the basic things like that, that are important to both of you. You'll have a much better chance/foundation for being successful, than with any other approach with everything just flapping out in the wind left to chance. Everything else is just fluff.
I would actually ask the person in the beginning after some small talk, what is your intension? Is you end goal a casual open relationship? Or are you wanting a serious monogamous relationship with a possible future. Siting that I didn't want to possibly waste their precious time, depending on what their goal was.
Know what your goal is
You seem to be wanting to get serious
You yourself said you don't want to be having your first child at the age of 40. So I think there needs to be a little more intention in your dating than you seem you want to admit.
Just going by what you've already said, it is time to focus, and casting a wide net will just waste time unless it's just an initial thing to get started,
If you haven't narrowed down exactly who YOU are, and what kind of person you know you Need, in order to be able to commit to this person and be truly happy, you're in for a looooong search.
Sorry for the long comment
BTW, this worked for me!!!! I met the love of my life, we asked each other allll the things! Important questions after we had chitchatted a enough to decide this is actually a quality nice person with potential. We met June 14th, on FB on a singles page of people of our same faith (takes care of a LOOOOT of questions right there) and we met in person 2 weeks later. He proposed July 11th and we were married Oct 11th that same year.
I haven't written things down in one place, I like that idea and think it would help. I think I know a lot of what I want. In my mind casting a wide net doesn't mean compromising on values, but on the 'wants' that aren't very important.
It's good to know you had a similar approach and things worked out so well! Thank you for sharing.
I have read this book in many other relationship books due to the fact of it being a part of my studies in my occupation. Kind of comes with the territory, but this book wasn’t my favorite, but definitely is one of the books I always recommend for people that are more practical and need things to not be a surprise. Personally for me I always feel like these books can be a little redundant, but ultimately what I look for in these books is looking for good principles that sometimes the advice is not good or bad. It just doesn’t necessarily apply to the way, I live my life… you know? I definitely live my life more based thinking in terms of principles rather than following a specific pattern that works for somebody else. I have no idea if that makes sense, but it made sense in my head ha ha. Sometimes what I like to do is read books like these and pairing them up with fictional stories kind of to see how it would play out almost like adding a little imagination to what is in the book sometimes. My favorite pairing so far is what I’m currently reading, which is how to stay in love by James Sexton and attachment by rainbow Rowell.
It makes perfect sense, and I tend to agree. I turn to self help books when I dont' feel confident or trust myself in a process. I don't think that is great and can cause me to outsource and important process.
I do find them helpful as a way to reflect on my own experiences though. Applyign them to fictional story is a really fun idea hahaha.
Yeah, but you know like always say to people at least your trying most people aren’t so I think it’s a good, better ,best kind of situation. You just haven’t found better or best yet ☺️
Thank you for sharing your thoughtfully honest book review Grant. As an avid reader myself (predominantly historical nonfiction) I’d love to see more book reviews from you in the future.
I’m a massive history nerd and gravitate towards books on the Victorian Era, Gilded Age, Civil War, and biographies on early presidents and historical figures. What’s your favorite book of all time?
Wow, you weren’t kidding. Steinbeck and Wilde certainly are Classic. Would love to know your thoughts on Dorian Gray. The only Toni Morrison I’ve read was Beloved, which I found to be a bit difficult to get through. Have you read any Truman Capote?
As a young woman, I'm afraid of marriage and having kids, and it slowly becomes fear of dating. I guess I want a family and kids, but the huge responsibilities and vulnerability that come with it are intimidating.
It means that I would need to sacrifice my career, which leads to financial vulnerablity and maybe even become financially dependent for a while UNLESS I achieve my financial freedom beforehand, which seems super difficult.
Similar to your situation, I quit my job last year and started doing Amazon FBA (which flopped). I moved in with my parents since Jan and started working remotely as a headhunter while figuring out what I want to do for life, also what leads me to financial freedom, so that I can go on and have a family and kids stress-free.
I'm turning 28 this year and it may seem that I still have a lot of time, but I'm afraid I don't.
All these being said, I understand your anxiety and I feel the same!
Today, this thought of "maybe I'll never achieve financial freedom and have a family and kids" came across my mind. I'm an optimistic person in general, so it did not come as a denial to myself but rather just a pure possibility.
I actually felt peaceful. I trust that I could still live a beautiful life even if things don't turn out as I wished them to and that whatever needs to happen will happen. I'll just do my best and leave the rest, stop controlling and start trusting.
Just wanted to share my thoughts on this topic, and I'm aware that it's not very relevant to the book review lol.
Hi Lara! I'm so glad you shared. This resonates. I feel in a similar place as wanting some financial freedom before kids.
Where does that come for you? Was that true for your parents? I'm curious how you think about it because I'm questioning that narrative for myself:
It seems kind of crazy that I tell myself that? That in order to have kids and experience such a core part of human existence I need to be financially independent by 30? 35? 99% of kids in human history have been raised by parents who did not have financial independence. My parents weren't and I still enjoyed my childhood.
>I trust that I could still live a beautiful life even if things don't turn out as I wished them to and that whatever needs to happen will happen. I'll just do my best and leave the rest, stop controlling and start trusting.
I try to do this too. I think it's important :)
Thank you for asking, Grant! I never really questioned where that thought came from before.
My parents weren't financially independent either, and I still had a happy childhood too.
Tbh, I'm not sure which one came first, the ambition itself or the external factors. I do have some thoughts:
1. It might come from the fear of not being able to give my children what my parents once gave me, like a stable and secure environment.
I feel there's a lot more uncertainty in today's world compared to my parents' time. I think a good financial foundation can just make everything easier.
2. I have this belief that I won't have to choose between my career and family if I'm financially independant. (maybe I'm wrong?) I don't want to sacrifice one for the other.
3. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just being ambitious or if I'm being greedy. Am I wanting too much?
I'd love to hear your thoughts too!
Thanks for this, Grant! I appreciate that you’re opening this conversation. I’m thinking about dating again after 7 years as well, and there are so many new things I’m considering in this phase of my life. I similarly feel the push/pull of wanting to take my time while also pragmatically approaching family planning. I’m curious how you’re thinking about how to bridge the gap from being open to "going on dates with people we might not think we’re compatible with” to the decision itself to go on a date with someone. What does that in-between time look like? What questions are you asking yourself/the other person? How do you transition from an open mind to tangible actions?
It was intimidating for me! It's been exciting too and really positive.
Ooo great question. I haven't thought about it in those terms, but here are three examples that maybe illustrate some changes I've mad:
1. Saying yes to a blind date. A friend reached out about someone in LA. I might have said yes prior, but would have asked for more info. This time I just said yes.
2. In a similar vein, I'm thinking about asking friends to set me up and saying that I'll go on at least one date with anyone they set me up with.
3. Caring less about what people do for work. I have a lot of identity in work and am ambitious. I like those traits in a partner, but I also think that's because it makes me feel better about myself. So I've tried to pay more attention to when I am drawn or not to someone based on what they do and being more open minded.
Does that answer the question? It's all an experiment at the end of the day.
Yeah, that makes sense! It sounds like the decision to go on a date can be made before the opportunity arises, which essentially eliminates that gap of potential indecision. I like that approach as an option; it really puts an “open mind” into practice. I’m reflecting about times I’ve self-proclaimed to be open to something when in reality, I’m operating within narrow parameters.
Thinking about it as an experiment is a little scary to me! I appreciate that perspective, though, and it’s certainly another idea to add to the pastiche.
Great POV. I read this one, funny enough, after I started a long term relationship with my partner. And I definitely think I was unintentionally applying some of its teachings before hand so…the takeaways definitely can work, but also you’ve got a glass half full vibe and that’s the best way to go into dating. As long as you are having fun throughout it all
Thank you! I wish I had read it when I was in a relationship actually. It has some good advice for stages beyond initial dating.
I am having fun mostly :) It's work at times, but I'm always glad I showed up and enjoy meeting people.
That’s the best attitude to have! Wishing you well
Thank you!
Dating is a interesting thing to navigate. Being willing to establish new relationships built on respect, things in common, trust and hopefully laughter are great foundations. Then if you and the other person have similar interests and outlook on life and enjoy each other's company; you consider exploring things further. Just try not to be in a hurry. I wish you much success in this endeavor. Nevertheless, enjoy the journey; you'll learn more about others and yourself!
Love your genuine heart and content. It’s so refreshing, keep it up!
✍🏼♥️
Thank you!
In this time, dating is definitely difficult. I find myself in the verge of accepting single blessedness and still hoping to find my man (though I'm still in my late 20's).
Honestly, I'm really not open to "widening" my horizon because people are gonna expect that the moment I entertain them, it's an automatic yes. And it's even harder to reject.
I had a couple of takes in seeing out those who were not my type but I just can't bring myself to like them or have a relationship with. If my heart, head and soul isn't in unison, then I'll reject the person. Either one is in doubt and it shouldn't be the case. You have to be convinced that you like him/her and have the intention to be with them in a relationship.
The men in my country seem to not look for wife material - women who are dignified, strong emotional communication and independent. Maybe I can find my luck on the international side 😅
The head, heart, and soul need to be in it for sure. Is there a reason you think that people are going to expect that? That doesn't seem reasonable and is their responsibility, not yours.
yeah it isn't but I had instances wherein one, I was blamed for making him court me for a year. I rejected him twice, and he started ranting about the negatives. The other one was stalked me.
Maybe this is too pragmatic, but this is how I approached dating in my late 30's.
Yes, I'm a woman, so my biological clock was ticking.
I wanted to find my best match, but KNEW NO ONE WOULD BE PERFECT!🤣
So, that said I made a list. A list of things I absolutely NEEDED as non- negotiable for me to be able to have a successful meaningful relationship with this future person.
But they were reasonable requests/needs. And they were things I could ensure this person, form MY end as well
Things lik,e they need to be good with money and not be a spendthrift that would nickel and dime us.
Needed to agree on religion and politics.
You have to know yourself enough to know what things are important on you, deal breakers, and what you're willing to live with. Are they a hoarder? Is their personality weird or generally offensive? That sort of thing. 🤣
I'm of the school of thought, that if you're both on the same page on the basic things like that, that are important to both of you. You'll have a much better chance/foundation for being successful, than with any other approach with everything just flapping out in the wind left to chance. Everything else is just fluff.
I would actually ask the person in the beginning after some small talk, what is your intension? Is you end goal a casual open relationship? Or are you wanting a serious monogamous relationship with a possible future. Siting that I didn't want to possibly waste their precious time, depending on what their goal was.
Know what your goal is
You seem to be wanting to get serious
You yourself said you don't want to be having your first child at the age of 40. So I think there needs to be a little more intention in your dating than you seem you want to admit.
Just going by what you've already said, it is time to focus, and casting a wide net will just waste time unless it's just an initial thing to get started,
If you haven't narrowed down exactly who YOU are, and what kind of person you know you Need, in order to be able to commit to this person and be truly happy, you're in for a looooong search.
Sorry for the long comment
BTW, this worked for me!!!! I met the love of my life, we asked each other allll the things! Important questions after we had chitchatted a enough to decide this is actually a quality nice person with potential. We met June 14th, on FB on a singles page of people of our same faith (takes care of a LOOOOT of questions right there) and we met in person 2 weeks later. He proposed July 11th and we were married Oct 11th that same year.
I haven't written things down in one place, I like that idea and think it would help. I think I know a lot of what I want. In my mind casting a wide net doesn't mean compromising on values, but on the 'wants' that aren't very important.
It's good to know you had a similar approach and things worked out so well! Thank you for sharing.
Sorry about all the typos, hopefully you get the gist, it's 3am and need to go to sleep but felt super compelled to tell you all that, hope it helps 👍
I have read this book in many other relationship books due to the fact of it being a part of my studies in my occupation. Kind of comes with the territory, but this book wasn’t my favorite, but definitely is one of the books I always recommend for people that are more practical and need things to not be a surprise. Personally for me I always feel like these books can be a little redundant, but ultimately what I look for in these books is looking for good principles that sometimes the advice is not good or bad. It just doesn’t necessarily apply to the way, I live my life… you know? I definitely live my life more based thinking in terms of principles rather than following a specific pattern that works for somebody else. I have no idea if that makes sense, but it made sense in my head ha ha. Sometimes what I like to do is read books like these and pairing them up with fictional stories kind of to see how it would play out almost like adding a little imagination to what is in the book sometimes. My favorite pairing so far is what I’m currently reading, which is how to stay in love by James Sexton and attachment by rainbow Rowell.
It makes perfect sense, and I tend to agree. I turn to self help books when I dont' feel confident or trust myself in a process. I don't think that is great and can cause me to outsource and important process.
I do find them helpful as a way to reflect on my own experiences though. Applyign them to fictional story is a really fun idea hahaha.
Yeah, but you know like always say to people at least your trying most people aren’t so I think it’s a good, better ,best kind of situation. You just haven’t found better or best yet ☺️
Thank you for sharing your thoughtfully honest book review Grant. As an avid reader myself (predominantly historical nonfiction) I’d love to see more book reviews from you in the future.
I appreciate it. What're your favorite historical nonfiction books?
I’m a massive history nerd and gravitate towards books on the Victorian Era, Gilded Age, Civil War, and biographies on early presidents and historical figures. What’s your favorite book of all time?
Any particular favorites for those?
I've been reading a lot of classics recently:
- Catch 22
- Song of Solomon
- East of Eden
- A Picture of Dorian Gray
- The Stranger
I’ll compile a list of my favorite historical nonfiction and share it soon.
Wow, you weren’t kidding. Steinbeck and Wilde certainly are Classic. Would love to know your thoughts on Dorian Gray. The only Toni Morrison I’ve read was Beloved, which I found to be a bit difficult to get through. Have you read any Truman Capote?