review: How To Not Die Alone by Logan Ury
Baby's first book review!
I’m trying something new today! Let’s see how it goes.
why I read it
I went on my first first date in 7 years in November. I bombed. I wanted to go to a bar in New York that I thought was a perfect date spot, but I couldn’t get a reservation so I showed up an hour early. I got seats at the bar (score), but also spent an hour swimming in my own anxieties and insecurities. During the date I sought validation in her answers and body language. I cared more about what she thought than enjoying the moment and being myself. There was not a second date.
I have since gone on much better dates as a version of myself I’m more proud of. I try to pay attention to how I feel, both with a date and with the process overall. There’s a tension between my short and long term wants.
In the short term, I want to date and meet different women. I want to enjoy the process and not take it too seriously. I want to learn about myself and others.
Longer term, I want a family and kids. To that end, I feel like I should date with more intention of a long term relationship. I don’t want to have my first kid when I’m 40. Dating can take time. Getting married and having kids takes time.
So how do I reconcile those things? How do I honor what I want in the short term while being aware of what I want in the long term? The solution isn’t to discard one want or the other. It’s to hold both and be intentional.
This is the context in which I picked up How To Not Die Alone. It’s a classic self help book in the most classic self help genre. It’s written by Logan Ury, a behavior scientist turned dating coach and the Director of Relationship Science at the dating app Hinge.
my take away
The goal of the book is to help people date and make relational decisions more intentionally. From the first page of the introduction:
This work has led me to Intentional Love, my philosophy for creating healthy relationships. Intentional Love asks you to view your love life as a series of choices rather than accidents. This book is about being informed and purposeful—in acknowledging your bad habits, adjusting your dating techniques, and approaching crucial relationship conversations.
To that end, the book hit the mark.
The most helpful advice for me was to cast a wide net but intentionally get to know a few people. So relax the filters (the literal dating app filters as well as psychological ones) and be open to going on dates with people we might not think we’re compatible with. But when I do decide to go on a date with someone, default to actually getting to know them. Go on a few dates with them, spend time with them.
Does that reconcile my short and long term wants? Kind of actually. Casting a wide net excites me. I love learning about people and dates are a great way to do it. It’s also an abundance mindset: “I might actually be really compatible with someone I don’t expect”.
Defaulting to getting to know women helps my longer term goals. I will learn more about myself and the relationship I want by getting to know a handful of women well over a year than I will going on dozens of first dates. Defaulting to getting to know people also obviously opens the door for a relationship.
None of this is revolutionary, but the basics help me. I feel good about this approach for now and will adjust as I go.
where it fell short
The advice in the book is pragmatic as you would expect from an author in Silicon Valley. Those are my roots too so I resonate with that mindset! I also think that mindset can miss the forest for the trees. The pragmatism taken to an extreme can erase the very real people on the other side of the dates missing potential great matches or hurting others in the process. While dating data can show us trends, dating is inherently personal.
While this book addresses some popular narratives, like “The One”, it perpetuates others. Even the title “How To Not Die Alone” leverages one of people’s biggest fears.
rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐
As a young woman, I'm afraid of marriage and having kids, and it slowly becomes fear of dating. I guess I want a family and kids, but the huge responsibilities and vulnerability that come with it are intimidating.
It means that I would need to sacrifice my career, which leads to financial vulnerablity and maybe even become financially dependent for a while UNLESS I achieve my financial freedom beforehand, which seems super difficult.
Similar to your situation, I quit my job last year and started doing Amazon FBA (which flopped). I moved in with my parents since Jan and started working remotely as a headhunter while figuring out what I want to do for life, also what leads me to financial freedom, so that I can go on and have a family and kids stress-free.
I'm turning 28 this year and it may seem that I still have a lot of time, but I'm afraid I don't.
All these being said, I understand your anxiety and I feel the same!
Today, this thought of "maybe I'll never achieve financial freedom and have a family and kids" came across my mind. I'm an optimistic person in general, so it did not come as a denial to myself but rather just a pure possibility.
I actually felt peaceful. I trust that I could still live a beautiful life even if things don't turn out as I wished them to and that whatever needs to happen will happen. I'll just do my best and leave the rest, stop controlling and start trusting.
Just wanted to share my thoughts on this topic, and I'm aware that it's not very relevant to the book review lol.
Thanks for this, Grant! I appreciate that you’re opening this conversation. I’m thinking about dating again after 7 years as well, and there are so many new things I’m considering in this phase of my life. I similarly feel the push/pull of wanting to take my time while also pragmatically approaching family planning. I’m curious how you’re thinking about how to bridge the gap from being open to "going on dates with people we might not think we’re compatible with” to the decision itself to go on a date with someone. What does that in-between time look like? What questions are you asking yourself/the other person? How do you transition from an open mind to tangible actions?