Long time, no write! I hope you’re enjoying your weekend. I’m writing to you from Chiang Mai in Thailand. I’ve been in Thailand for almost 3 week. I'm trying to find a balance of time to myself, time with others, time to work, and time to play. I haven’t struggled with that in life before, but am finding it surprisingly difficult to get a balance that feels good to me.
I’m drinking an americano in a beautiful cafe right now near Chiang Mai University. The sun is out, the sky is blue, the cafe is full of people quietly typing away. Let’s jump into it…
what I’m feeling
anticipation
Two big dates are coming up: my Dad’s birthday on October 27th and the one year anniversary of his death on November 3rd. His birthday will be sad, but okay. We did a video call with him for his last birthday that was painful. He was in a hospital bed and had lost his hair. He could talk but slowly. It’s a pretty awful memory for me.
I cannot believe it’s almost a year since he passed. The first 6 months felt like forever, and the last 6 months have disappeared. I do not know how I will feel that day.
proud
I’ve wanted to become a better swimmer for 10 years. I’m not comfortable in the water. I’ve found excuses to put it off continually: I don’t have access to a pool, I will be gone too frequently, I don’t know how to learn, etc.
I see how that fear stops me from doing things I want to do in life: diving, surfing, and fully enjoying the beach. I feel sad when I realize that.
So one of my goals in Bangkok was to become a better swimmer! I booked an apartment in a building with a pool and have been “swimming” every day. It’s been 10 days, and I already feel comfortable putting my face in the water!
It’s a good feeling.
what I’m thinking
affordability
Inflation and stagnant wages have cooked Americans. The dollar has lost something like 25% of its value in the last 5 years.
How do we actually solve this? What causes inflation? What causes real wage growth? What causes prices to go down?
This is leading me to learning more about economics and economic policy.
politics as a hobby
Does learning really do anything though? Learning doesn’t create policy. It doesn’t get people elected. Politics is for Power has been a humbling read. He calls out political hobbyism:
Much of the time we spend on politics is best described as an inward-focused leisure activity for people who like politics.
I see this in myself and broadly. There is so much moral outrage and consumption and, seemingly, so little involvement. How much weight do my beliefs carry if they don’t drive action?
Are there ways you’re getting involved that have been meaningful to you? Let me know in the comments.
podcast & grief community
I get tired of short form video. I find creating it is lonely, endless, and, often, surface level. I want to do longer form content as well as bring people together irl.
These are in their early stages, but I’m excited about what they could turn into.
what I’m enjoying
dating
I matched with a woman on Bumble last week. She is going to be in Thailand this week, so I suggested a video call. Within 20 minutes, we were talking about how she felt after her grandma died and what grief feels like to me.
This is why I love dating. Dating creates an environment for meaningful conversations. I particularly enjoy dating when I travel. I learn a lot about myself and others.
swimming
I look forward to going to the pool now! I feel refreshed and proud :)
playoff baseball
There’s only one October as they say. My grandma is a Dodgers fan, and many of my good friends are Mariner’s fans. I enjoy the vicarious suspense and excitement.
Thanks for reading! Have a great week :)
- Grant
It's wonderful to read your notes again. Hope Thailand is treating you well.
On Grief - my dad passed away a couple of years ago and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't anticipate how I would feel when his first death anniversary rolled around (it sucked). The second one is coming up soon and I'm dreading that too, but all this is to say (to you and to me): hang in there, and it will eventually pass.
On Swimming - it's wonderful to hear someone discovering the joys of swimming. I've been swimming since before I could walk, and it's the most invigorating thing I do besides prayer. I can quietly slip away underwater and the whole world disappears - the only thing that remains is breath. Ironically, it makes me feel more connected to the world and my place in it. Waterlog by the late and great Roger Deakin and The Swimmer by John Cheever are excellent reads (but tone-wise very different) if you're interested.
In the pool (and in life): just keep swimming. We're rooting for you. 🐬
On grief, one of the best choices I made was to intentionally not remember the date my father or mother passed away. I know the month. This has spared me from dreading a specific day. When I miss them I work through it in that moment, but I don’t ride the emotional roller coaster around a certain day. It’s been so helpful.