How did you learn to be authentic?

Me getting water for a cabin in Alaska on a beautiful March day

Hello! Happy Friday. This is the first answer since I launched! Thank you for subscribing. I really appreciate you and am so grateful to be able to do this. :)

I wouldn’t say I’ve learned to be authentic. There are still aspects of myself that I hide to varying degrees. Take social media for example. I haven’t mentioned relationships, sex, or dating. There are aspects of myself that I don’t share with others outside of social media as well. My last relationship ended, in part, because I was not honest and transparent about my past. That experience was a catalyst for working on myself.

At the same time, I do think I have become more authentic. Here is a simplified version of how I think about it now:

• Deep down I want to be accepted for who I am right now, today

• But I have thoughts, feelings, and have done things that I am ashamed of

• I am scared that others will reject me (friends, family, partners, etc.) if they know those things about me

• So I hide those parts of me and, as a result, am “inauthentic”

Much of what I have focused and still focus on are awareness, compassion, intentionality, and vulnerability.

awareness

For me, it all starts with awareness. What do I feel? What do I want? Why do I feel those emotions? Why do I want those things? What do I feel ashamed of? Without awareness, I don’t have choice and without choice I can’t show up differently.

compassion

Awareness helps me be more compassionate to myself. Sometimes it does the opposite… but usually it helps. For example, when I lost my job I felt ashamed. I didn’t feel good enough. At times I felt like a loser. I was worried about my future. Being able to understand those feelings as emotions and not necessarily objective truth helped me be more compassionate with myself. “Of course I feel those things after losing my job, but that doesn’t mean they’re true.” I would tell myself.

intentionality

With more awareness, I am also more intentional. Again, when I lost my job the awareness and compassion made it easier for me to decide who I wanted to open up to. That support system was critical in breaking the shame cycle. Getting out of that cycle also allowed me to move beyond the fear and do something that was aligned with me: move in with my grandma to spend time with her and work on a business.

vulnerability

Sharing something honestly that I am scared of is vulnerable. Awareness, compassion, and intentionality all help me be more vulnerable both online and offline.

I think of vulnerability as the action and authenticity as the outcome. You might experience my authenticity, but I experience vulnerability.

Here are a few specific things that help me. I still do all of these:

• Therapy

  • There is something empowering about saying a thought or feeling aloud to another person. It helps me to have a place I can express passing thoughts or feelings honestly without needing to worry about how it might impact the other person.

• Journaling

  • I journal a lot. My brain can hold vanishingly few thoughts. Getting those thoughts on paper helps my mind get unstuck.

• Confiding in close friends and family

  • Sharing things we are ashamed of and being accepted nonetheless is so meaningful.

  • Sharing things we are ashamed of and being rejected can be devastating.

  • It is important to me to share, but equally important to be conscious of what I share with who.

• Reading

  • Reading is a life hack. It’s been so important to me the last few years.

  • I love Why Won’t You Apologize by Harriet Lerner. It helped me understand self worth and my defensiveness better.

  • The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown is also excellent.

Have a great weekend.

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There’s a lot more I want to say here, but want to keep this relatively short. Have a follow up or another question?