entry #8: sharing grief, financial uncertainty, and feeling aimless

Hello :) I’m writing to you from LA again. Summer is coming. It’s 80 degrees and sunny. I’ve spent the last 6 weeks cleaning out my dad’s house in Alaska. It was a process. Thank you for being there with me throughout it.

what I’m thinking about

what I share

The morning I left my dad’s house for good, I wrote a letter to the house. I posted a video reading it. It provided closure to that chapter. I also immediately felt tired of posting about grief. I have posted about it consistently for months. Sharing, hearing your stories, and feeling your love has helped me so much in this process. It’s gotten me to this place where, after seeping in grief for the last month, I need a break.

We’ll see what that means in practice, but I’d like to share more about my grandma, my life, dating, masculinity, and other things I think about. I’ll try new topics and content formats. Let me know what you think.

dating

I started dating again in December. I went on a few dates in January, but haven’t been on many since. I’ve learned a lot on those few dates, but want to approach dating more intentionally. For example, I’ve only met people through dating apps. That helped me ease back into dating, but I’d like to meet more women offline, particularly through friends.

Talkeetna, Alaska: our road trip overnight stop

what I’m feeling

I am in a phase of a now familiar cycle that I’m tired of. The last year has oscillated between intense emotional demand when I feel exhausted and a reprieve when I feel excited. My dad’s house was exhausting, now I feel excited.

I’m tired of this cycle because it’s hard for me to build momentum with work, content, and dating. I’m desperate for some focus in life and the interruptions make it hard.

I know I have one more cycle coming up: we are burying my dad’s ashes in May. We’ll see where things go after that.

excited

Having said that, I do feel excited about life. Cleaning out my dad’s house lifted a weight off me. The excitement doesn’t stem from any one particular thing. It’s a feeling of freedom.

uncertain

I feel so much financial uncertainty. I’m still not sure where my income will come from. The tariffs add even more macro uncertainty. It feels like we haven’t gotten a break since COVID. COVID → inflation → tariffs. It’s brutal.

aimless

I crave focus and get tired of the interruptions because without it I feel aimless. It takes effort for me to focus, not just in a specific moment but at a high level of deciding where I want to put my energy.

I do question how much of this comes from wanting control though. Aimless feels bad, but maybe it’s just what figuring it out feels like?

lazy

I haven’t had a job in over a year and feel like I’ve forgotten what it means to work hard. I pride myself on working hard, and I’m frustrated at how little progress it feels like I’ve made on building a business. Logically, I know I’ve been working hard in some ways but I don’t feel that emotionally.

Back at it with the lunch with Grandma (and sandwiches)

what I’m enjoying

white lotus

I finished S3 of The White Lotus. It wasn’t my favorite, but was a nice escape in Alaska.

outdoor runs

Running in the sun makes me happy. I feel rejuvenated. I slogged through treadmill runs in Alaska and am grateful to be back in SoCal.

panda express

I got Panda Express in Alaska for the first time in years. While the orange chicken needs no mention, I was sleeping on the teriyaki chicken. Delicious, and has great macros for those trying to get their protein in.

Thanks for reading. If you aren’t a subscriber and enjoyed this, I’d love for you to join us here. It’s less noisy and more intimate than Instagram and TikTok.

- Grant