The fires in LA have been horrific. My grandma and I are safe, but the loss is heartbreaking. Thank you to the first responders. My heart goes out to anyone affected.

This is a question asked by a subscriber / follower. You can ask me anything here.

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This is a question asked by a subscriber / follower. You can ask me anything here.

Question

Do you feel guilty when you’re having a nice time with your friend or catch yourself enjoying a movie that you’re not sad or grieving at the moment?

I started following you randomly one morning about a week after my dad passed and your videos are so relatable and gives me the feeling that I’m not alone. Keep doing what you’ve doing and thank you! :)

Answer

At times I feel guilty for not missing or thinking of him more. Most of the time I don’t feel sadness or longing. I know I miss him and wish he were here, but I often don’t feel the emotion. Sometimes when I haven’t thought of him in a while, I feel some guilt. On the surface, that guilt comes from feeling selfish. I think it feels like I’m too caught up in my own life to remember him.

On a deeper level, that guilt comes from an expectation of what grief should look like.

“If you really loved him, you’d be sad more often.”

“If you really missed him, you wouldn’t be able to enjoy a movie.”

I am new to losing a parent, but I have been told repeatedly by those wiser than myself that grief doesn’t look like any one thing. We do not need to perform grief. Grief is hard enough by itself without additional, arbitrary expectations.

It is also helpful for me to remind myself of the ways we have / are remembering my dad: holding memorials, sharing memories of him, archiving his photographs, writing about how I feel, finishing work that was important to him, etc.

There are times I feel intense grief. The sadness and longing is all consuming. Those are helpful reminders that the grief is there even if it isn’t always on the surface.

It’s okay to be kind to ourselves. :)

- Grant

Welcome to the new subscribers! I’m so excited you’re here. This email list is an experiment. Instagram is overwhelming so I wanted a place where it’s easier for us to connect. I’ll be experimenting with different types of writing and want your feedback.

Below is a question asked by a subscriber. I answer questions a few times a week. They’re fun, collaborative, and help me reflect. I hope they’re interesting to you. If you have a question, you can ask me anything here.

Question

How do you get the courage to start something new and stay motivated?

I recently lost my job after coming back from maternity leave.
I have (what I feel) is a good idea for my own business but I don’t know how to get the courage to get out there and I also find it hard to get myself motivated to start. Having a baby attached to me 24/7 also makes it difficult as I only have the evening hours of 9pm-2am to work on this.

Any help would be so appreciated.
Also I love your positivity, Grant. It is refreshing to see on social media.

All the best!

Answer

I’m sorry about your job. I know the anxiety and stress that can come from that. It’s tough.

struggling to get started

I also know what it feels like to have aspirations and struggle to get started. If you’re like me, that is food for self criticism. I see my inaction as proof that I don’t have what it takes to be successful which makes me discouraged which makes it even harder to get started.

For me, the struggle often comes from being too attached to outcomes. I make too much meaning of failure. A failure means that I’m not smart enough. It means that I won’t achieve my goals. It’s much more comfortable to sit with what could be than to face what is.

The problem here is telling myself stories that aren’t true:

• Failure defines me

• This is the only way to be successful and feel fulfilled

So what is true?

• Failure does not define me

• There are many paths to a happy, successful, and fulfilled life

• Creation is iterative. Regardless of whether it’s a business, a song, a relationship, or an answer to a question, creation happens in the process.

• We are only in control of what we do

• Failures allow us to move onto something else

• We will be okay :)

To get out of this mindset, I try to detach myself from the outcome by focusing on what I control. When I started posting on social media, I committed to posting a video every day for 30 days. The goal was to be consistent and learn. To be clear, I only did this after spending a year being too scared to start.

staying motivated

I get motivation from progress and talking to people. I am trying really hard to keep and build momentum. It’s partly why I push myself to post most days. Progress motivates me.

I have a few friends in similar phases of life. I talk with them often and lean on them when I’m struggling with motivation.

business specifics

You can get quick validation for most business ideas. One of the ideas I had last year was an app that would help people get to know their parents better. After struggling to get started, I texted a half dozen friends and told them I was interested in helping people get to know their parents. For $20 I would ask their parents questions and record their answers. I asked if they were interested or if they knew anyone who would be. No one took me up on it!

At first I felt like shit, but after a day or two I felt relieved. I didn’t waste much time and could move onto something else I was excited about. I got that approach from Million Dollar Weekend. These types of books are trite. They sell a dream (just look at that title!). However, they can still be helpful.

closing thoughts

I would be remiss not to mention that I don’t even have a job let alone a kid. You have very real constraints on your time and energy that I do not have. My struggle to get started is solely an emotional one. Whatever you decide, be kind to yourself :)

Thanks for reading.

- Grant

Question

Are you excited for Christmas or do you anticipate it will be hard this year?

I ask because I think a lot about my parents on Christmas time....

Answer

Merry Christmas Eve :) I think the answer is both?

I feel some dread about tomorrow. I don’t know what waking up in the morning, opening presents, and having breakfast is going to feel like. This is the first Christmas without my dad. I’ll miss seeing him drinking tea when I get up, watching him open his presents, and the waffles he made every Christmas. Last Christmas was also the last time he was healthy. His leukemia symptoms started in early January.

At the same time, I enjoy Christmas. I enjoy slowing down, spending time with family, eating good food, and giving and receiving gifts. I still feel that even though I miss him a lot. My dad would want us to enjoy Christmas. We’re going to cook a ham for dinner. I’m making scalloped potatoes and a lemon meringue pie. My brother is making the breakfast waffles. I know my dad would be happy to see that tradition carried on. It’s important to me to remember him while still enjoying life. Grief is compatible with joy.

Thank you for reading and if you’re celebrating the holidays without someone, I’ll be thinking of you.

- Grant

I try to keep these answers short which means there is inevitably more I want to say than I write. Anyone can ask a follow up (or anything else) here:

Ask me anything

Question

How do you stay so positive?

I'm going through a difficult time at the moment but even after losing your dad you still seem so optimistic, so hopeful. How?

Answer

I think I identify with hopeful more than optimistic. I don’t subscribe to the always positive, “good vibes only” mindset either. Life has a lot of hardship. My life this year has sucked in many ways. My dad’s leukemia treatment was awful as was his death. Losing my job was terrible. Seeing my grandma get old and her struggles is hard. The anxiety from the uncertainty of my life is a constant battle.

At the same time, I am grateful for so much in life:

• I had a meaningful relationship with my dad

• I spent a lot of time with him before he died

• He died relatively quickly and without much pain

• I have a mom and brother whom I’ve become closer with

• I have a platform to share my and my dad’s stories

• I’ve become a better, more empathetic person

• I’ve connected with people from all over the world

• I’ve learned a lot about myself

and there is so much more beyond my dad that I’m grateful for as well:

• I have a grandma I’m close with that lets me stay with her

• I am financially able to not work for a year

• I get to work on the things that I’m interested in

• I can work from anywhere

• I have a great group of friends who check in on me

• I have a hometown that always makes me feel welcome

• I am able to lift weights and run

• I climbed Mt. Whitney this summer

• I saw one of my best friends get married

• I get to read and learn about the world

• I drink coffee and eat good food

• I get to share that food with people I care about

To be clear, I don’t always feel that gratitude. I try to remind myself what I’m grateful for and sit with the feeling when I don’t. Journaling and making lists like the one above help. I can’t recommend it enough.

This isn’t to white wash the hardship and pretend it doesn’t exist either. It’s just not the only thing that exists.

resilience

I also try to reminding myself that I’ll be okay. I think that belief is what resilience is. That doesn’t mean that everything will be okay, but whatever happens I’ll be okay. I will find a way to be okay.

That also means that I am responsible for finding a way to be okay. One of the hardest parts of losing my dad and my job was not being in control of the ultimate outcome. It was and still is important for me to focus on the things I can control to counteract that. Exercise, diet, reading, journaling, spending time with friends and family, doing things that sound fun, and being outside are just a few of the many things in my control that I lean on.

None of this makes the hurt go away. It just makes it more bearable.

final random thought

I wasn’t sure where to fit this in, but think it’s important to note. I spent a lot of time helping my dad in his final months. I think that has a big impact on how I feel. I’m not stuck with much guilt or regret. I am proud of how I showed up.

The time was all consuming and, now that it’s over I have my life back. I feel relieved and excited which keep me hopeful and moving forwards.

Thanks for reading.

- Grant

Question context

I’m 38 and feel like a spend a lot of energy thinking about whether I should be putting more intention into a life I dream for myself, but wonder if it’s worth trying harder because not as much is in my control anyway - and maybe I’d be happier just living more freely.

Answer

All. The. Time. Two years ago my life was stable: I was in a long term relationship, I had a good paying tech job, my family was healthy, and I lived in my own apartment in Brooklyn. Each of those have since crumbled. The relationship ended, I lost my job, my dad died, and I moved into my grandma’s extra bedroom in Los Angeles.

I’m 30 and part of me feels like I should be in a relationship and have kids, own a home, have a successful business and career. That manifests itself as anxiety. One of the hardest parts of this year has been moving forward despite that anxiety. That feeling is being put to a greater test now that I’m going on dates. It is hard to tell a girl I’m interested in that I live with my grandma while “working on a business” that isn’t even clear to me yet.

I question whether I should get back on the corporate ladder. Get another tech job, save money, buy a house, have some kids, and call it good. The pull of that path is strong for me. I sometimes feel like an idiot for not taking it.

Yet, so far, I’ve chosen to continue on this path of reinvention and uncertainty because that path is what I want to do with my life right now. I think this is the most important voice to listen to.

On the flip side, the questioning and anxiety comes from comparing myself to others and fear. Are those the ways I want to make decisions? No, but it’s important to find a way to move through them.

Moving through those feelings is a practice, not a problem that I have solved. Here are a few reminders that help me when I feel those:

1. I will be okay. Whatever happens, I will be okay.

2. Trust yourself. I don’t know what I’m truly capable of. The only way to find out is to try.

3. Enjoy the process. Be present. (I am really trying to work on this one right now)

4. Be grateful. I am so lucky to have these choices in life.

5. I have more agency than I realize. There is a lot outside my control that impacts me, but every single decision I make is in my control: what I say, who I spend time with, what I work on, where I live, what I spend money on (beyond necessities). Those decisions will have the biggest impact on the outcome of my life, and they are all in my control. That isn’t to say there aren’t consequences to those actions. There are, of course, and some of those consequences might not be acceptable.

I sometimes ask “What would Grant 10 years from now say to me now?”. I think he would say something like:

1. “I’m proud of you for trying.”

2. “Enjoy life more. You don’t need to be so hard on yourself. Things will work out.”

3. “This is a special time of life for you. Recognize it and make the most of it.”

I hope I’m making him proud.

Thank you for reading and if you have a question you can ask me anything here.

Ask me anything

- Grant

I do not think much about authenticity. I do try to live life intentionally and vulnerably, although I come up short often. I think authenticity is the product of intentionality and vulnerability.

What encourages me to be more intentional and vulnerable?

I love life more when I am. I feel lighter. I feel more…

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Hello! Happy Friday. This is the first answer since I launched! Thank you for subscribing. I really appreciate you and am so grateful to be able to do this. :)

I wouldn’t say I’ve learned to be authentic. There are still aspects of myself that I hide to varying degrees. Take social media for example. I haven’t mentioned relationships, sex, or dating. There are aspects of myself that I don’t share with others outside of social media as well. My last relationship ended, in part, because I was not honest and transparent about my past. That experience was a catalyst for working on myself.

At the same time, I do think I have become more authentic. Here is a simplified version of how I think about it now:

• Deep down I want to be accepted for who I am right now, today

• But I have thoughts, feelings, and have done things that I am ashamed of

• I am scared that others will reject me (friends, family, partners, etc.) if they know those things about me

• So I hide those parts of me and, as a result, am “inauthentic”

Much of what I have focused and still focus on are awareness, compassion, intentionality, and vulnerability.

awareness

For me, it all starts with awareness. What do I feel? What do I want? Why do I feel those emotions? Why do I want those things? What do I feel ashamed of? Without awareness, I don’t have choice and without choice I can’t show up differently.

compassion

Awareness helps me be more compassionate to myself. Sometimes it does the opposite… but usually it helps. For example, when I lost my job I felt ashamed. I didn’t feel good enough. At times I felt like a loser. I was worried about my future. Being able to understand those feelings as emotions and not necessarily objective truth helped me be more compassionate with myself. “Of course I feel those things after losing my job, but that doesn’t mean they’re true.” I would tell myself.

intentionality

With more awareness, I am also more intentional. Again, when I lost my job the awareness and compassion made it easier for me to decide who I wanted to open up to. That support system was critical in breaking the shame cycle. Getting out of that cycle also allowed me to move beyond the fear and do something that was aligned with me: move in with my grandma to spend time with her and work on a business.

vulnerability

Sharing something honestly that I am scared of is vulnerable. Awareness, compassion, and intentionality all help me be more vulnerable both online and offline.

I think of vulnerability as the action and authenticity as the outcome. You might experience my authenticity, but I experience vulnerability.

Here are a few specific things that help me. I still do all of these:

• Therapy

  • There is something empowering about saying a thought or feeling aloud to another person. It helps me to have a place I can express passing thoughts or feelings honestly without needing to worry about how it might impact the other person.

• Journaling

  • I journal a lot. My brain can hold vanishingly few thoughts. Getting those thoughts on paper helps my mind get unstuck.

• Confiding in close friends and family

  • Sharing things we are ashamed of and being accepted nonetheless is so meaningful.

  • Sharing things we are ashamed of and being rejected can be devastating.

  • It is important to me to share, but equally important to be conscious of what I share with who.

• Reading

  • Reading is a life hack. It’s been so important to me the last few years.

  • I love Why Won’t You Apologize by Harriet Lerner. It helped me understand self worth and my defensiveness better.

  • The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown is also excellent.

Have a great weekend.

There’s a lot more I want to say here, but want to keep this relatively short. Have a follow up or another question?

Ask Me Anything

To be honest, not much right now. Running still brings

The idea of seasons has resonated with me recently. For a long time I thought that a balanced life meant that each day or each week was balanced. I should strive for having fun, exercising, eating well, being productive, reading, spending time with friends, and staying in touch with family each week. I have never been able to sustain that. When I look at what my life has actually been life, not what I think it should be like, I do see balance but that balance comes from focusing on one aspect of life for longer stretches of time.

I’m in the thick of a caregiving season. It started when I moved in with my grandma and has extended to helping my dad. I feel grounded, connected, and grateful. At the same time it’s been emotional and exhausting.

As the difficulties in life have gotten bigger, I find joy in smaller things. Right now the most joy comes from time without responsibility. Time where I can do whatever I feel like in that moment. Being able run, read, nap, see friends, or go on a walk without feeling like there is something else coming up is a luxury.

Have a question?

ask me anything

I’m someone who sets goals for myself, attaches my identity to reaching said goals, and then uses not reaching those goals as fodder for self criticism. Follow me for more self help advice.

Building my own company has been one of those goals for me for a while. I have viewed much of my career as a software developer as being preparation for starting my own company. Over time I added layers to that goal: building a company is what will give me the flexibility to live the life I want, show up for those I care about, and be a great dad.

The abruptness of losing my job last year is yet another layer. While I’m grateful now for the doors losing my job has opened, I’m still scared when I think about getting another corporate 9-5. I feel unsafe when I think about putting my wellbeing into someone else’s hands again.

So now I’ve tied being a supportive person, a great dad, and my safety to building a successful company. That’s a lot of pressure. No wonder I’ve lost some of the fun and joy in building.

So going back to the question. All of this can make it difficult to entertain a back up plan, but that doesn’t help me. I read Build the Life You Want by Arthur C. Brooks and Oprah last year. Here are two passages that stick with me:

…happiness is not a destination. Happiness is a direction. We won’t find complete happiness on this side of heaven, but no matter where each of us is in life, we can all be happier. And then happier, and then happier still.

and

We can also stop believing that our individual problems are the reasons we haven’t achieved happiness. No positive circumstance can give us the state of bliss we seek. But no negative circumstance can make getting happier impossible, either. Here is a fact: You can get happier, even if you have problems. You can even get happier in some cases because you have problems.

I interpret this as I have everything I need, right now, to be happier and live a good life. That means I have many paths to a happy, peaceful, and meaningful life even if my business fails. It is up to me to cultivate it.

Through that lens, failure doesn’t seem as scary and back up plans are easier to consider. I could live a happy life and be a great partner and dad with a corporate 9-5. I could find contract development work. I will find a way to make it work, and I will be okay.

Have a question?

ask me anything