I’m drinking an americano in a beautiful cafe right now near Chiang Mai University. The sun is out, the sky is blue, the cafe is full of people quietly typing away. Let’s jump into it…

what I’m feeling

anticipation

Two big dates are coming up: my Dad’s birthday on October 27th and the one year anniversary of his death on November 3rd. His birthday will be sad, but okay. We did a video call with him for his last birthday that was painful. He was in a hospital bed and had lost his hair. He could talk but slowly. It’s a pretty awful memory for me.

I cannot believe it’s almost a year since he passed. The first 6 months felt like forever, and the last 6 months have disappeared. I do not know how I will feel that day.

proud

I’ve wanted to become a better swimmer for 10 years. I’m not comfortable in the water. I’ve found excuses to put it off continually: I don’t have access to a pool, I will be gone too frequently, I don’t know how to learn, etc.

I see how that fear stops me from doing things I want to do in life: diving, surfing, and fully enjoying the beach. I feel sad when I realize that.

So one of my goals in Bangkok was to become a better swimmer! I booked an apartment in a building with a pool and have been “swimming” every day. It’s been 10 days, and I already feel comfortable putting my face in the water!

It’s a good feeling.

what I’m thinking

affordability

Inflation and stagnant wages have cooked Americans. The dollar has lost something like 25% of its value in the last 5 years.

How do we actually solve this? What causes inflation? What causes real wage growth? What causes prices to go down?

This is leading me to learning more about economics and economic policy.

politics as a hobby

Does learning really do anything though? Learning doesn’t create policy. It doesn’t get people elected. Politics is for Power has been a humbling read. He calls out political hobbyism:

Much of the time we spend on politics is best described as an inward-focused leisure activity for people who like politics.

I see this in myself and broadly. There is so much moral outrage and consumption and, seemingly, so little involvement. How much weight do my beliefs carry if they don’t drive action?

Are there ways you’re getting involved that have been meaningful to you? Let me know in the comments.

podcast & grief community

I get tired of short form video. I find creating it is lonely, endless, and, often, surface level. I want to do longer form content as well as bring people together irl.

These are in their early stages, but I’m excited about what they could turn into.

what I’m enjoying

dating

I matched with a woman on Bumble last week. She is going to be in Thailand this week, so I suggested a video call. Within 20 minutes, we were talking about how she felt after her grandma died and what grief feels like to me.

This is why I love dating. Dating creates an environment for meaningful conversations. I particularly enjoy dating when I travel. I learn a lot about myself and others.

swimming

I look forward to going to the pool now! I feel refreshed and proud :)

playoff baseball

There’s only one October as they say. My grandma is a Dodgers fan, and many of my good friends are Mariner’s fans. I enjoy the vicarious suspense and excitement.

Thanks for reading! Have a great week :)

- Grant

Hello :) I’m writing to you from LA again. Summer is coming. It’s 80 degrees and sunny. I’ve spent the last 6 weeks cleaning out my dad’s house in Alaska. It was a process. Thank you for being there with me throughout it.

what I’m thinking about

what I share

The morning I left my dad’s house for good, I wrote a letter to the house. I posted a video reading it. It provided closure to that chapter. I also immediately felt tired of posting about grief. I have posted about it consistently for months. Sharing, hearing your stories, and feeling your love has helped me so much in this process. It’s gotten me to this place where, after seeping in grief for the last month, I need a break.

We’ll see what that means in practice, but I’d like to share more about my grandma, my life, dating, masculinity, and other things I think about. I’ll try new topics and content formats. Let me know what you think.

dating

I started dating again in December. I went on a few dates in January, but haven’t been on many since. I’ve learned a lot on those few dates, but want to approach dating more intentionally. For example, I’ve only met people through dating apps. That helped me ease back into dating, but I’d like to meet more women offline, particularly through friends.

what I’m feeling

I am in a phase of a now familiar cycle that I’m tired of. The last year has oscillated between intense emotional demand when I feel exhausted and a reprieve when I feel excited. My dad’s house was exhausting, now I feel excited.

I’m tired of this cycle because it’s hard for me to build momentum with work, content, and dating. I’m desperate for some focus in life and the interruptions make it hard.

I know I have one more cycle coming up: we are burying my dad’s ashes in May. We’ll see where things go after that.

excited

Having said that, I do feel excited about life. Cleaning out my dad’s house lifted a weight off me. The excitement doesn’t stem from any one particular thing. It’s a feeling of freedom.

uncertain

I feel so much financial uncertainty. I’m still not sure where my income will come from. The tariffs add even more macro uncertainty. It feels like we haven’t gotten a break since COVID. COVID → inflation → tariffs. It’s brutal.

aimless

I crave focus and get tired of the interruptions because without it I feel aimless. It takes effort for me to focus, not just in a specific moment but at a high level of deciding where I want to put my energy.

I do question how much of this comes from wanting control though. Aimless feels bad, but maybe it’s just what figuring it out feels like?

lazy

I haven’t had a job in over a year and feel like I’ve forgotten what it means to work hard. I pride myself on working hard, and I’m frustrated at how little progress it feels like I’ve made on building a business. Logically, I know I’ve been working hard in some ways but I don’t feel that emotionally.

what I’m enjoying

white lotus

I finished S3 of The White Lotus. It wasn’t my favorite, but was a nice escape in Alaska.

outdoor runs

Running in the sun makes me happy. I feel rejuvenated. I slogged through treadmill runs in Alaska and am grateful to be back in SoCal.

panda express

I got Panda Express in Alaska for the first time in years. While the orange chicken needs no mention, I was sleeping on the teriyaki chicken. Delicious, and has great macros for those trying to get their protein in.

Thanks for reading. If you aren’t a subscriber and enjoyed this, I’d love for you to join us here. It’s less noisy and more intimate than Instagram and TikTok.

Subscribe now

- Grant

Before diving in, if you have settled an estate, I’d love to hear from you. There is a section near the end called “estate settlement”.

what I’m feeling

excited

Dating has been fun. I enjoy meeting new women, and the early nerves and excitement of dating make me feel like a kid. I last dated when I was 22. I was in a relationship for most of my 20s. That ended two years ago, and I have been doing my own thing since.

It’s not just dating. I feel free and that makes me excited. It’s going to be a good year. There will be ups and downs, but I feel excited for what’s to come.

overwhelmed

I often wake up indebted to my todo list. I want to do so much. I feel like opportunities are slipping by. I feel like I’m not doing enough.

peaceful

At the same time, I feel more at peace. I go to bed early and wake up early. I make my coffee, sit, and read for an hour. I pick a couple things to do each day and work on them in the morning. Today it’s writing this update.

grief (or lack thereof)

I don’t feel much grief when I’m in LA. I stay busy. I don’t associate my dad with LA. My grandma here is my mom’s mom. I am reminded of my dad and think about him, but the grief isn’t in the forefront.

I don’t know if I’m avoiding the grief or taking care of myself. Maybe both. I’m going back to Alaska to clean out my dad’s house soon. I’ll be sad, but will also feel close to him.

what I’m thinking

writing

I like to write. I enjoy Substack. But I’m still figuring out what this is going to be. What do I write about? How often do I write? What is behind the paywall?

I started answering questions last month. I enjoy it, but am going to test different ideas. A few I’m thinking about:

• vignettes about my dad, grief, and living with my grandma

• essays about life, culture, and dating

• journal entries I write throughout the week

• curated comments and stories from you

youtube

I’m intimidated by YouTube. I know it’s work, and I can be lazy. Combine that with not having done it before, and I find an bottomless supply of excuses.

However, YouTube appeals for two reasons:

1. Unlike Instagram, I would get paid when people watch my videos.

2. I’m limited by the 3 minute (previously 90 second) limit on Instagram. I could tell better stories on YouTube.

podcast

I think about a podcast as well. Publishing videos is social, but creating them is lonely. A podcast is usually social. Those episodes could be published on YouTube as well.

estate settlement

My family is settling my dad’s estate. It’s a slow process. My dad died three months ago, and we’re still waiting for the court to appoint my mom as executor. We contacted banks. We set up mail forwarding. We put his bills on our name. We are keeping track of expenses so we can be reimbursed from his estate. We will need to do his taxes and go through probate. It’s a painful, opaque, and slow process.

For those of you who have settled an estate, what has your experience been? What resources did you find helpful? Did you hire anyone to help? I’d love to hear about it.

what I’m enjoying

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

I struggled with the first third of this book. I’m listening to it, and have a hard time keeping many characters straight in audiobooks.

I’m enjoying it now though. Elizabeth is at Pemberley and is starting to understand her prejudice of Darcy. Darcy is clearly still in love with her.

Split pea soup

I talked with my grandma on the phone in Alaska over Christmas. “When you get back we’re going to get a honey-baked ham.” she said. And that’s exactly what we did. We got a quarter bone-in ham that fed us for days. Once we got tired of ham by itself, I made split pea soup. I used this recipe from NY Times Cooking, but here is a similar recipe in case the other is paywalled.

I hope you have a great weekend. Grandma and I are planning to go to the horse races with one of her friends assuming the weather holds up.

- Grant

I hate reading emails that are slowly, obviously building to a sell. So to not bury the lead, I’m going to start monetizing. Nothing is changing about the content I already create though. I will continue sharing as I do and it will remain free :) If you are interested in supporting me and my content, read on. I’ll keep it short.

If you’re already down to support, you can upgrade here:

Subscribe now

What we have built together on Instagram is special. There aren’t many places on the internet that are as supportive, open, and vulnerable. I think at its core, we help each other feel seen and understood by sharing our stories honestly. It’s deeply human and has been one of the most meaningful experiences of my life.

Content hasn’t been my #1 priority this year. Building apps was my priority in the first half of the year and helping my dad had been my priority since. I want to make content + this community my priority. I’m really excited about what we could do.

Monetization / income makes that possible for me. It gives me breathing room in life, gets me out of short term thinking, and aligns my goal of building something that gives me control over my time with focusing on what we’ve built.

monetization

I much prefer your direct support over sponsored content. I’ve considered sponsored content for a while. It can be done thoughtfully, but it can also be an engagement trap.

There are two ways you can support me. The first is through this “newsletter”. That is my preference. I have a bunch of new content ideas I’m going to try here. I want you to be a part of those experiments. As a paid supporter, you’ll have access to all of that content. More on this below.

The subscription is $9 / month or $90 / year. You can cancel at any time. There’s a third tier if you want to support me even further. You can upgrade here:

Subscribe now

And thank you to those of you who found this by chance and subscribed without context. It’s intimidating to do this, and your support has helped me get over that hump.

You can also support me on Patreon here. I set this up in case you want to support me without getting additional emails (or any other reasons).

Having said all that… don’t feel pressure to become a paid subscriber. Life is expensive and subscriptions can get old. I’m grateful that you read or watch anything I share and, again, nothing is changing about the content I already share.

the first content idea

I’m going to start by answering questions that dive deeper into my life, emotions, and thoughts. The answers will be sent out via email just like this one. Many of my favorite conversations happen in DMs and start with questions. I think others would enjoy reading and contributing to those conversations. Answering these questions via email is a way to push them into the open.

Here are a few examples (caveat: I wrote these before my dad died in case it feels like my answers ignore that):

• What is bringing you the most joy in this season of life? (free)

• What is your back up plan if your business doesn't work? (free)

• What encourages you to be authentic in your everyday life? (paid)

Have a question? Anyone can ask one here, but most answers will only be sent to paid subscribers.

I also want to collaborate with you more. It can be lonely to come up with ideas, record them, and share them by myself. One consequence of that is I talk about a pretty narrow swath of my life. For example, I haven’t made a video about dating or relationships. I think this will be more fun for me (and hopefully for you).

future content ideas

Honestly, this is all an experiment. I want to connect with my people, help others connect with theirs, learn from each one another, and enjoy ourselves along the way.

I’m not even set on writing. I want to try YouTube. Maybe do a podcast and talk with people. Maybe do a book club. Maybe even host in person events. I’m not sure. I don’t know what this will look specifically long term. I am going to try things, pay attention to what feels right, listen to your feedback and adjust.

what I’m feeling

When it comes to this aspect of my life I feel:

excited

There is so much potential here. It feels aligned with who I am and what I want to focus on in this phase of life.

nervous and scared

It’s one thing to create content for free, it’s a whole other thing to ask for financial support. I swing between feeling totally delusional to think someone would want to support to feeling there is an opportunity to create something really special here.

embarrassed

When I started sharing publicly, I said I was going to build 12 apps in 12 months. Eight months later I have the skeleton of one app that never worked well. I feel embarrassed for not following through on that goal. There’s a voice saying “this is why you aren’t successful”, “this is why you aren’t where you want to be in life”.

Goals can be fodder for self criticism. I set those goals for myself. It’s okay, and expected, that they will change. This is just part of the process of trying new things.

Alright, that’s it for now. Much more to come. Any questions? Feedback is welcome. Thanks for reading.

- Grant

I hope my fellow Americans had a nice Thanksgiving weekend. My inbox is inundated with emails, and I apologize for adding one more to yours.

It's been two months since the last update. Welcome to everyone who is new! Thank you for signing up. I have more planned for this email list and will share that shortly.

So much has happened since the last update:

• I saw one of my best friends get married

• I spent a week in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania knocking on doors and encouraging people to vote

• I visited New York for the first time since I lost my job and moved in with my grandma in LA

• and my dad died

It was two months of high highs and low lows.

my dad's death

As you may know, my dad died on November 3rd. He died from "massive pulmonary hemorrhaging" which is the jarring cause of death printed on his death certificate. In layman's terms it just means he died from bleeding in his lungs. He was undergoing a bone marrow transplant to treat leukemia. Both leukemia and the bone marrow transplant process inhibit the body's blood production so my dad did not have an immune system or platelets. He contracted an infection that caused his lungs to bleed. Without platelets his body was unable to stop the bleeding naturally. Doctors were unable to stop the bleeding surgically.

He died on a Sunday. I woke up that morning in New York City. I was excited to be in New York. It was my first time back after being fired a year prior. It was my first break from taking care of my dad since August. I wasn't planning to be back in Seattle with him until Christmas. I was excited. I felt lighter for the first time in months.

It was a beautiful, fall day. The sky was blue and the sun was out. It was cool enough for a sweater but not too cold to go outside. I woke up to a text from my brother:
​
"Hi Grant, Dad got transferred to the ICU tonight about 10:30, primarily due to not being able to keep his oxygen saturation high enough. They intubated him soon after arrival and are running tests on his lungs, they are worried about a lung infection."

I talked with my brother and mom around 10am. I decided to fly back the following morning. I watched the New York City marathon runners go by as we talked. I was worried, but not much. The last three months had been nothing but complications: infections, spreading leukemia, bed sores, a hernia. All were manageable.

At 2pm, I got another call from my mom and brother. The doctors were wheeling my dad into surgery in an attempt to stop the bleeding. My mom encouraged me to book a flight ASAP. It was too late to catch the 3pm flight so I booked a seat on a 6:30pm flight out of Newark. I was sitting by the gate when my brother called.

"There were no complications with the surgery, but they weren't able to stop the bleeding".

My flight was boarding so I hung up. I sat down in my seat. My brother called again. My mom was on the phone.

"The doctors are here and want to talk to all of us" he said.

"This is the end of his life. He is bleeding to a point it cannot be reversed" said the doctor.

The plane pushed back.

I was an hour away from Seattle when my dad died, less than 24 hours after he was admitted to the ICU.

what I'm feeling

Grief, empty, relief, excitement, resilience.

grief

Grief is weird. My dad is the first person I've lost close to me so I'm figuring this out as I go. The waves of grief are real. Most of the time I feel relatively normal and then the loss hits. I like the waves in some ways though. They feel unbearable but they also remind me of him.

empty

I'm not sure if this is the right name for what I feel. It takes a lot of energy for me to do things (like write this email). Even small tasks, like responding to texts, can take a lot of energy. Taking care of my dad gave me a lot of purpose. Now that he's gone, I feel more aimless.

relief

My dad's story has ended and this chapter of my life is now closed too. I feel relief from the uncertainty. I can finally start the grieving and healing process.

excitement

I have my life back. I don't have any real responsibilities. I can do whatever I want which is both exciting and scary.

resilience

The past year has been a year from hell in many ways. It's also been a meaningful, beautiful year. As it wraps up, I can't help but feel grateful for just being here. We made it through, and we're still standing.

what's next

I don't know to be honest. Some general ideas that resonate:

• taking life less seriously

• being selfish / listening to what I want

• creating things for fun

• stepping outside my comfort zone

• telling stories

This year I put pressure on myself particularly when it came to being "successful". It's exhausting and has made life less fun. I did things because I felt like I should, not necessarily because I wanted to.

Much of this comes from not having income too. I limit what I do, and it's hard for me to enjoy things I do spend money on. All of this is my own doing though. I have more choice and agency in how I approach my life.

A few specific things that sound fun / exciting / scary right now:

• writing publicly

• improv or standup comedy

• playing music

• road tripping to see friends

• traveling solo

• going on dates

• working with my hands

• cooking

• learning basic carpentry / plumbing / electrical skills

• hosting events

• becoming a pro at driving stick (my dad has a manual truck)

• getting projects my dad left behind finished

I certainly won't do all of those, but I'd like to do some.

what I'm enjoying

The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

Many of you have recommended this. I'm about half way through and really enjoy it. The writing is excellent and the message is timeless.

K Dramas

I’m starting to get into K Dramas. I finished Itaewon Class and started Queen of Tears.

Cooking

I used to love cooking for the craft. I still cook but mostly for the necessity. I've been enjoying getting back to the craft. I'm hosting a tasting menu with friends in Alaska when I'm home for Christmas (invite above).

As always, thank you for reading. 🙏 I hope you have a great day.

- Grant

It's been a while since I wrote. I plan to start sharing more here, but more on that in the "Instagram, social media, and power" section.

I pride myself on being intelligent. That crosses over into arrogance and ignorance at times (maybe more on that in a future update).

How my account got suspended

I am always thinking of new content. I have a few ideas for new forms of content. One of which involves working with other creators. I figured the best place to start to find these creators would be people who follow me. It is surprisingly difficult to get any information about the people who follow me. Instagram provides some basic aggregated stats like gender ratio, top locations, and age distribution. Here's what mine looked like this morning:

​

In order to answer a question like "Which creators follow me, are active, and create similar content?" I would need to manually go through my follower list and look at profiles.

So, being the developer that I am, I figured I could automate this. I would get my follower list and winnow it down programatically. Since Instagram does not provide that information directly, I would need to scrape which just means extracting information from a webpage. I knew there was some risk to this. While it's legal to scrape, companies, understandably, aren't fans. I was testing using a secondary Instagram account, but I was running into an issue. I could get 50 followers, but I couldn't get the next 50. This is where I made a rookie mistake. I thought it might be because I was scraping using a separate account so... I tested it with my primary account. I was right. I ran the program manually twice, got back 100 results, and stopped. I shut my laptop and went for a run.

I was stretching when the first email came in. My scraping run has failed. "My scraping run had failed?" I thought. Panic set in as I realized what might have happened. I opened Instagram and was met with a screen that looked like this:

Panic then really set in. I ran back to my computer and opened the scraper. I hadn't turned off the automation so the scraper was running every 15 minutes. Each time it was trying to scrape my entire follower list. The scraper had made too many requests, too quickly and had triggered Instagram's automated spam detection system. Worst of all, the scraper was still using my primary Instagram account. Not so intelligent now, huh Grant?

What it took to get it back

My account was reinstated a little over 3 days later. I'll spare you the play-by-play on those three days because it was mostly:

1. Going in circles with Meta support

2. Working around Instagram's broken systems

3. Reaching out to friends for help and advice

4. Being very anxious

I honestly don't know what specifically brought it back. There are a few possibilities:

• I really did just have to wait which is what support told me

• A few of you reached out to friends at Meta / Instagram and escalated the issue (thank you!)

• I reached out to people at Meta / Instagram asking for help

If you find yourself in a similar situation here is my advice:

These systems are automated. You need to get to a real person who has the power to reinstate an account. Those people are buried deep inside of Meta and are not easy to get a hold of directly so you need to try indirectly. Here are a few things I tried and were told could be helpful:

• Sign up for Meta Verified and talk to support often. I signed up with my Facebook account since, well, my Instagram was suspended. While they don't have the power to reinstate accounts, it seems like they can put in requests and escalate issues.

• Use your personal network to get a hold of someone at Meta / Instagram

• Cold DM or email. I used LinkedIn to find people who work on the Trust and Safety team at Instagram. I don't know if that's the right team, but seemed directionally correct.

• DM Adam Mosseri, the CEO of Instagram. He supposedly reads his DMs. Reaching out and getting others to reach out might get his attention.

• Make noise on other platforms like TikTok and tag Instagram.

Two more helpful things I learned:

1. There is an internal tool that some people at Meta / Instagram have access to that can escalate an issue.

2. Talent agencies have liaisons at Meta / Instagram. If you are signed to an agency, ask them for help. If you aren't, maybe someone you know is and they can put you in touch with the right person.

Instagram, social media, and power

Power is often invisible until it is used. Getting my account suspended felt similar to losing my job. I was embarrassed and angry. I played a role in both. I did not feel like my actions justified the response in both. Yes, I was scraping. However, I was getting my own follower list. I was not extract information about other's accounts nor was I getting personal information, emails, etc.

Instagram, like any social network, has a tricky relationship with creators. This is basically how Instagram works:

• Creators create engaging content on Instagram

• The engaging content captures attention (a lot of it)

• Instagram makes a zillion dollars selling slices of that attention to advertisers

• Instagram rewards creators with attention and status (and now money for some creators)

• Creators can use that attention and status to earn income: sponsored content, merch, courses, books, patreon, any product really

Instagram needs creators broadly, but they don't need any particular creator unless that creator is someone like Kim Kardashian.

This puts most creators in a vulnerable position: getting my Instagram account suspended hurts me far, far more than it hurts Instagram and I don't even make money on my account let alone support a family or business on it. Other creators are much more vulnerable than I am.

This experience was a good reminder of my place in the content game that I am playing in. While I will continue to post on Instagram I plan to:

1. Use this email list more. I have a few ideas I'm excited about.

2. Repurpose my existing content to other short form video platforms: Snapchat, YouTube Shorts, and LinkedIn to start

3. Think about longer form content like a podcast or YouTube channel. Much more to figure out here so this will be slower.

As always, thank you for reading. Stay tuned for more and thank you again for all the recent support with my dad. 🙏🏻

- Grant

After spending a few weeks in Seattle with my dad, I'm back in LA with my grandma. I enjoyed spending time with my dad. I saw my mom and brother as well. At the same time, I'm glad to be back in LA. A routine is important to me, and it was difficult to keep one in Seattle. I'm also happy to be making progress on Let Me Cook again.

Which brings me to an ask! The time has come to roll out Let Me Cook. I also want to hop on a video call with some of you to learn more about you cooking habits in general. If you're interested in testing the app, jumping on a video call with me, or both please fill out this (short!) survey.

​

What I'm working on

If it isn't clear enough yet... Getting Let Me Cook ready for testing is my top priority. What does that look like? Mostly just using it. I've been cooking from recipes recently. I find a recipe that sounds good, copy and paste the URL into Let Me Cook, and then ask questions as I cook. Recently I made some tuna tostadas, shallot pasta, and a mushroom-barley soup. I find using the app makes cooking from a recipe more fluid. I can focus on what I'm doing instead of having to go back to the recipe, find where I was at, read what to do next, and then keep it in memory.

As I test I'm really keeping one thing in mind: how do I make using the app more seamless and valuable? There are a few big areas of improvement:

• Onboarding, which is teaching the user what they can do with the app. We all have different context when we use a product and with a consumer product it isn't possible to have a conversation with every user so the app itself must guide new users.

• Decreasing response times. While the responses to questions are surprisingly accurate they are slow. At best it's annoying.

• Supporting Instagram / TikTok / YouTube links. The app supports normal recipes, but does not support videos yet.

The feedback you give will directly influence which of these (or something else!) is prioritized so please fill out the survey above. 😊

​

What I'm thinking about

Balance and responsibility have been top of mind for me recently. For most of the year I've been trying to find a balance between building a business and showing up for family. Without a boss, or even investors, I often deprioritize work. To a large extent I want to and am grateful that I am in a place in life where I can deprioritize work to help family. However, life isn't free and I'm still spending my savings. I have an opportunity to build a business to support the life I want. I continue to try to find a balance between those two.

Writing that says a lot about my life prior to this year. "Balancing work and family" is something most parents, and many others, have to do constantly. This is my first experience where balancing work and life does not mean travel, exploring hobbies, and trying new restaurants but being of service to people I care about. I find it much more meaningful. That paired with not having direct accountability makes that balance trickier for me to navigate.

What I'm feeling

Relieved, excited, and anxiety.

I feel some relief being back in LA. I have more of my own space, more control over my time, and more of my habits in place as I mentioned.

I'm excited about where Let Me Cook is. I'm excited to get your feedback on it and learn more about your cooking habits in general.

This phase of life for me has a quiet, background anxiety. Sometimes I think I talk and focus too much on the anxiety. The anxiety itself can become a habit. At the same time, there's a lot of uncertainty in my life right now. It always helps to remind myself that whatever happens, I'll be okay.

What I'm enjoying

I had fun going back to some childhood experiences when I was with my dad. I found comfort in them. So here are a few:

• Eating popsicles! My dad has taken a recent (I think?) liking to popsicles. I haven't had a popsicle in years and am honestly sold. Great dessert, pretty low calorie, and you can get 100% fruit juice ones.

• Watching planes take off. The cancer clinic in Seattle looks out over the Lake Union landing strip. My dad is a pilot, and we both enjoy small planes so it was fun to watch them come and go.

• Playing a GameBoy emulator. I had heard of the emulator apps for phones, but hadn't tried one. There were many short periods of downtime at the clinic so I started playing games I did as a kid. Delta is the emulator I downloaded.

​

I hope you have a great week. As always, thank you for reading and here is the survey again if you haven't filled it out yet.

- Grant

Last week my dad was diagnosed with leukemia. He flew to Seattle from Alaska on Sunday and will be here for the next 6 months undergoing a bone marrow transplant. I wanted to let you know before I posted on socials.

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How'd we get here?

My dad is meticulous and that extends to his health (thank you Dad 🙏🏻). We've known for over a decade that he's had a mutation (myleo dysplastic syndrome, MDS) in his bone marrow that sometimes leads to leukemia. To complicate things, he also has another form of blood cancer called multiple myeloma. In 2021 he underwent chemotherapy, and the chemo drove the multiple myeloma down to undetectable levels. For 18 months, his health was relatively stable. Stable enough for him to fly me up to our family cabin in the spring of 2023.

We spent last Christmas together as a family. Soon after his health started to decline. By March it was clear the leukemia was growing so he started a new round of chemo. Two weeks ago he flew to Seattle for a bone marrow biopsy to assess the progress of the leukemia and the effectiveness of the chemo. His doctor scheduled a call the morning after the results came back: the MDS had progressed rather quickly to leukemia. His doctors agreed he needed to come to Seattle ASAP to prepare for a bone marrow transplant. That was last Tuesday.

So what's next?

A bone marrow transplant is a high-risk, high-reward procedure. Doctors will kill his bone marrow (and therefore his immune system), transplant donor bone marrow cells via a blood transfusion, and then wait for the new bone marrow cells to settle into his bones. While the actual transplant only takes a few hours, the process takes months, and recovery takes one to two years. There are potential complications at each step.

Now the good news: if the transplant goes well it is literally a cure for (blood) cancer. The hope is he would never have to worry about the cancer again. My dad has a lot he enjoys doing and work he wants to finish. He's a private pilot and enjoys flying. He's a social scientist, photographer, and writer. He is working on a series of books, the first of which is undergoing community review. But, as he says, having cancer is a full time job and getting the cancer behind him would allow him to return his attention to the people, activities, and work he loves.

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What can you expect?

At the core of it, nothing I'm doing will change: I plan to keep sharing my life, thoughts, feelings and progress. Going forward, part of what I share will be about my dad's journey as well as my own. I will be splitting time between LA and Seattle for the next few months. My dad has a support system of family and friends who love him and will be rotating through to help out as needed. I will be part of that rotation.

I will continue to work on Let Me Cook and other apps (and a few friends are going to test it out this week!). I do not plan to put the business on pause. Having said that, my dad and grandma take priority so progress will likely be slower.

What do I feel?

Scared, hopeful, and grateful.

I'm still processing and haven't had the time (or really maybe courage) to sit with the feelings. I'm scared to lose my dad. I love him. Many of my interests are his as well (flying, reading, art), and we connect over them. We talked regularly, and he's taught me so much. At the same time, I'm hopeful this transplant will go well and he will return to a relatively normal life. There is a lot in his favor: he's relatively healthy otherwise, he has a great care team, he has the time to focus on the treatment, and understands how to mitigate the risks. I'm incredibly grateful to have the freedom to spend time with him and help out. It adds to the pile of evidence that losing my job in November was a blessing in disguise.

Thank you for reading, yet again, a long update and to anyone who is going through cancer or has a family member or friend going through it, I have so much respect for you.

- Grant

I'm currently typing this up at a local coworking space. While it's convenient to work from home, I need to get out of the apartment most days. Changing my environment has a big impact on my motivation and inspiration. Going to a coworking space or a new coffee shop is a quick way for me to find some energy.

What I'm thinking about

I'm mulling over if I want to do sponsored content*. These are my raw thoughts. I haven't decided anything and want to get your feedback before I do.

My case against sponsored content

1. 📹 I do not want content to be my livelihood

2. 🙏🏻 I am mindful of the asks I make

3. 💵 Sponsored content often feels icky to me

📹 I do not want content to be my livelihood. My goal with social is to get feedback and users for the products I build, connect with others, and share my journey. I want social to support my life and business, not to be my life and business. Sponsored content can be a slippery slope because it's a convenient way to make money. However, in the long run there are some perverse incentives that I want to avoid. How much a brand is willing to pay depends, in part, on the creator's engagement rate**. The higher the engagement rate, the more the brand pays. This incentivizes creators to increase their engagement rate which can lead to low quality, inauthentic content.

🙏🏻 I am mindful of the asks that I make. I do not take your time for granted. There is an endless list of things you could be doing. If you do want to support me, I would much, much rather have you try out one of my apps than buy someone else's product.

💵 Sponsored content often feels icky to me. We're inundated with ads in our lives, and I find there is something particularly jarring about seeing an unexpected ad. We're used to seeing ads on billboards, during commercial breaks, or on the side of webpages. That sets our expectations (and makes the ads easier to tune out). Sponsored content appears more randomly. I'm watching a video of a creator I like, and it slowly transforms into an ad. I often find myself frustrated.

My case for sponsored content

1. 👨🏻‍💻 Sponsored content would help fund my business

2. 🤝🏻 I think sponsored content can be done in a way that preserves trust

3. 📱 Sponsored content is trivial to skip

👨🏻‍💻 The reason I'm considering sponsored content is that that money could fund my business. Building a product (and business) takes money and human labor. Unless someone has the money themselves, the three common ways to fund a business are 1) raise money from investors 2) take out debt 3) do it all yourself. Raising money from investors is the typical tech route, but the trade off is you give up some ownership and therefore some control in your business. Debt allows you to retain control but is higher risk because that debt needs to be paid back. Doing it all yourself is lower risk, allows you to retain control, but the tradeoff is things move slowly and you are spending your own money.

I'm currently taking path 3 because I want to have control over my business. I want to have control over my work and time so I can show up for people in my life and work on ideas that are meaningful to me. Sponsored content potentially opens up a 4th option for me. I could use that money to bootstrap the business: pay for infrastructure costs, hire a contract designer, developer, or video editor, etc. This would enable me to test ideas faster while spending my savings more slowly.

🤝🏻 I think sponsored content can be done in a way that preserves trust. Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship and that extends to social media. Sponsored content can hurt trust, but I don't think it has to. I don't think sponsored content, and ads in general, are inherently bad. No one is forced to buy a product. The "ickiness" comes from the deception that some products rely on to sell (e.g. you aren't X enough, buy our product and you will be). However, many products are genuinely valuable to the right people. Sponsored content is one way to get valuable products in front of the right people.

📱Sponsored content is trivial to skip. While I do find it jarring at times, it literally takes a tap or swipe for me to skip sponsored content. No one is forcing me to watch the content let alone buy the product.

* Sponsored content ("sponcon") is the content that a creator is paid to post on their own socials by a brand (i.e. company). It's just another name for an ad. Brands can also pay Instagram / TikTok / etc. to show their content to more people. Those are the ads that Instagram / TikTok / etc. inject into our feeds and are separate from the sponsored content I'm talking about.
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** A creator's engagement rate is often calculated by averaging the number of comments and likes across their last 16 posts and dividing that by their follower count. So an account with 100k followers and an average of 3k likes + comments has an engagement rate of 3%.

What I'm working on

Getting the initial version of Let Me Cook ready for testing is my top priority.

What's done

• ✅ The core functionality: take a picture of a recipe, ask a question, and get a response

• ✅ Authentication: sign up, log in, and sign out

• ✅ Designs (mostly): the designs for the app are almost fully implemented

What's next

• ➡️ Setup the production version of the app

• ➡️ Add all the necessary details for the App Store: icon, description, screenshots, privacy policy, contact info, etc.

• ➡️ Add a feedback screen: after a user finishes with a recipe, they will be prompted to give some simple feedback

• ➡️ Start testing!

What I'm feeling

I've been finding more peace in my life recently. I dare say I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. Not in a "everything is fantastic" sort of way, but in a "I wouldn't rather be anywhere else or doing anything else" sort of way. There are still parts of my life that are uncertain, scary, and unhappy. At the same time, I'm living a life that is more closely aligned with my values and goals. That has quieted many of the "should" questions that ran through my mind for much of the last decade. Who would have thought?

While living a life more closely aligned with my values and goals is part of the peace, it isn't all of it. I've been living with my grandma and working on my own company for 6 months, and have only felt this level peace recently. I continue to work on self compassion and have been cultivating it more recently. It's helped me to realize that everything I do is self serving including the things that I criticize myself for like procrastination. That has helped me look at those behaviors with more curiosity and less criticism.

I also just had a productive week last week and that has a large impact on how I'm feeling. I've been anxious about how slowly the app is coming along.

Finally, a lot of little things helped me feel that peace: connecting with family and friends, reading, exercising, eating healthy, sleeping well.

Speaking of peace, here is a picture from a cabin in Alaska last winter that embodies a type of peace for me.

What I'm enjoying

👨🏻‍🍳 I'm making chili this week. I love chili. It's easy to make, is high in protein, and only gets better with age. I put my recipe below.

🎧 I've been putting on The Eras Tour in the background while I work recently. I'm envious of those of you in Europe who are attending the shows.

📖 I finished The Personal MBA today. It's structured as a reference book, and is packed with information. My favorite non-fiction books are information dense, yet easy to read. The Personal MBA is that. I'm also about 25% of the way through Jane Eyre. I'm not sold on it yet. We'll see where it goes.

🏃🏻 I ran 45 miles this week for the first time. I set that goal in February and am proud I got here. My plan is to plateau the next few weeks to let the body recover and then start adding some speed work. My goal is to increase my 5k time.

Grandma updates

Two weeks ago my grandma and I took a trip to Missoula where one of her sisters lives. We had a nice time with her. Her sister likes martinis so we went out to her favorite martini joint. Last week we had family in town which my grandma always enjoys. All of her kids moved out of LA so it's special when any of them are in town.

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- Grant

Happy Memorial Day to those in the US and happy regular Monday to those elsewhere. I am currently sitting in a coffee shop in LA, drinking a cappuccino, and writing this first update.

The Entries

I don't have a specific strategy for these updates. My goals are to:

1. Write something that is valuable, fun, and interesting to you

2. Write something that is valuable, fun, and sustainable for me

3. Find early users and get feedback on what I'm building

While those goals won't change, the structure and frequency of the updates certainly will. My current thought is to send an update every week or two and treat them as public journal entries (ish). The content will be a mix of personal and professional.

I value your feedback. If a specific entry resonates or misses the point, I want to know. Feel free to reply to the email with your thoughts.

What I'm working on

I'm currently working on a cooking assistant app called Let Me Cook. It's a hands free cooking assistant: give it a recipe, put in headphones, and ask it questions while you cook like "What do I do after I saute the onion?" or "How much butter do I add?".

However, I haven't spent much time actually building the last few weeks and it's making me anxious. My goal was to build 12 apps in 12 months, and I'm already closing in on month 1. It's easy for me to spiral when I think about it that way. It's a good example of how goals can actually be harmful. For me that goal is about accountability and consistency more than it is about a specific timeline. Yet, now that I set that goal, it's easy to feel like a failure for not hitting it. A goal that I set! Absurd, isn't it?

I have the basic interactions in the app finished: speak-to-text, integration with GPT, and text-to-speech. I posted a demo this week if you missed it. Here's what is up next:

1. Authentication (log in)

2. Stitching each interaction I mentioned above together

3. Onboarding (users need to know how it works)

Below are the first designs of the app. We're going to keep iterating so the actual app might look completely different from what you see here. Let me know what you think:

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What I'm feeling

I currently feel moved, grateful, proud, tired, and anxious.

I feel moved and grateful because of you. There are so many incredible people here sharing vulnerable parts of themselves. I am so grateful for you and the support you have shown me.

I feel proud of myself, not just for putting myself out there, but for how I put myself out there. My process of becoming more vulnerable while still having boundaries has taken years, and I still have so far to go.

I feel tired because creating content and engaging has taken a lot of time and energy. Social has been nearly all consuming the last few weeks. Connecting with people is one of my favorite parts of the process, and I want to make sure I am doing it in a sustainable way.

I feel anxious because I care what others think about me (something I'm working on!). I think while humanity's environment has changed dramatically in the last 10,000 years, our biology hasn't much. Our brains aren't designed to handle being put on a stage in front of thousands (or millions for some) people.

What are you feeling?

What I'm thinking about

"Enough" is a powerful mindset and something I'm working on internalizing. I notice how much anxiety is driven by the "need" for more: need to be a better friend / grandson / person, need to be more successful, need to have more revenue.

I already feel this extending to socials: need to have more followers, more engagement.

I find there are a few problems with not feeling enough or that I have enough:

1. It's too easy for me to sacrifice my values to feel / get "enough".

2. I find it hard to enjoy, appreciate, and be grateful for what I do have.

But you know what? I'm grateful for where I'm at in life. I'm grateful for my health, my friends, and my family. I'm grateful to even have the opportunity to build my own business. I'm grateful for your support. I'm grateful to everyone who has shared their stories these last few weeks.

I'm trying to be okay, and genuinely grateful, for what I do have in life.

Grandma updates

She is doing well! She is a Celtics (basketball) and Dodgers (baseball) fan and is happy with both of their success thus far. We're both looking forward to a trip soon to see her sister.

What I'm enjoying

👨🏻‍🍳 I made some split pea soup yesterday to have for the week.

🎧 I'm late to the game (as usual), but I'm enjoying Fred Again's sets. I enjoy the emotion he brings to his music.

📖 I finished up Wuthering Heights recently and have started Jane Eyre. I'm also (very slowly) reading The Personal MBA.

📺 I'm excited to start The Sympathizer. The books are excellent, so I'm excited to see what they did with the show.

​- Grant