I’m drinking an americano in a beautiful cafe right now near Chiang Mai University. The sun is out, the sky is blue, the cafe is full of people quietly typing away. Let’s jump into it…

what I’m feeling

anticipation

Two big dates are coming up: my Dad’s birthday on October 27th and the one year anniversary of his death on November 3rd. His birthday will be sad, but okay. We did a video call with him for his last birthday that was painful. He was in a hospital bed and had lost his hair. He could talk but slowly. It’s a pretty awful memory for me.

I cannot believe it’s almost a year since he passed. The first 6 months felt like forever, and the last 6 months have disappeared. I do not know how I will feel that day.

proud

I’ve wanted to become a better swimmer for 10 years. I’m not comfortable in the water. I’ve found excuses to put it off continually: I don’t have access to a pool, I will be gone too frequently, I don’t know how to learn, etc.

I see how that fear stops me from doing things I want to do in life: diving, surfing, and fully enjoying the beach. I feel sad when I realize that.

So one of my goals in Bangkok was to become a better swimmer! I booked an apartment in a building with a pool and have been “swimming” every day. It’s been 10 days, and I already feel comfortable putting my face in the water!

It’s a good feeling.

what I’m thinking

affordability

Inflation and stagnant wages have cooked Americans. The dollar has lost something like 25% of its value in the last 5 years.

How do we actually solve this? What causes inflation? What causes real wage growth? What causes prices to go down?

This is leading me to learning more about economics and economic policy.

politics as a hobby

Does learning really do anything though? Learning doesn’t create policy. It doesn’t get people elected. Politics is for Power has been a humbling read. He calls out political hobbyism:

Much of the time we spend on politics is best described as an inward-focused leisure activity for people who like politics.

I see this in myself and broadly. There is so much moral outrage and consumption and, seemingly, so little involvement. How much weight do my beliefs carry if they don’t drive action?

Are there ways you’re getting involved that have been meaningful to you? Let me know in the comments.

podcast & grief community

I get tired of short form video. I find creating it is lonely, endless, and, often, surface level. I want to do longer form content as well as bring people together irl.

These are in their early stages, but I’m excited about what they could turn into.

what I’m enjoying

dating

I matched with a woman on Bumble last week. She is going to be in Thailand this week, so I suggested a video call. Within 20 minutes, we were talking about how she felt after her grandma died and what grief feels like to me.

This is why I love dating. Dating creates an environment for meaningful conversations. I particularly enjoy dating when I travel. I learn a lot about myself and others.

swimming

I look forward to going to the pool now! I feel refreshed and proud :)

playoff baseball

There’s only one October as they say. My grandma is a Dodgers fan, and many of my good friends are Mariner’s fans. I enjoy the vicarious suspense and excitement.

Thanks for reading! Have a great week :)

- Grant

I’m trying something new today! Let’s see how it goes.

why I read it

I went on my first first date in 7 years in November. I bombed. I wanted to go to a bar in New York that I thought was a perfect date spot, but I couldn’t get a reservation so I showed up an hour early. I got seats at the bar (score), but also spent an hour swimming in my own anxieties and insecurities. During the date I sought validation in her answers and body language. I cared more about what she thought than enjoying the moment and being myself. There was not a second date.

I have since gone on much better dates as a version of myself I’m more proud of. I try to pay attention to how I feel, both with a date and with the process overall. There’s a tension between my short and long term wants.

In the short term, I want to date and meet different women. I want to enjoy the process and not take it too seriously. I want to learn about myself and others.

Longer term, I want a family and kids. To that end, I feel like I should date with more intention of a long term relationship. I don’t want to have my first kid when I’m 40. Dating can take time. Getting married and having kids takes time.

So how do I reconcile those things? How do I honor what I want in the short term while being aware of what I want in the long term? The solution isn’t to discard one want or the other. It’s to hold both and be intentional.

This is the context in which I picked up How To Not Die Alone. It’s a classic self help book in the most classic self help genre. It’s written by Logan Ury, a behavior scientist turned dating coach and the Director of Relationship Science at the dating app Hinge.

my take away

The goal of the book is to help people date and make relational decisions more intentionally. From the first page of the introduction:

This work has led me to Intentional Love, my philosophy for creating healthy relationships. Intentional Love asks you to view your love life as a series of choices rather than accidents. This book is about being informed and purposeful—in acknowledging your bad habits, adjusting your dating techniques, and approaching crucial relationship conversations.

To that end, the book hit the mark.

The most helpful advice for me was to cast a wide net but intentionally get to know a few people. So relax the filters (the literal dating app filters as well as psychological ones) and be open to going on dates with people we might not think we’re compatible with. But when I do decide to go on a date with someone, default to actually getting to know them. Go on a few dates with them, spend time with them.

Does that reconcile my short and long term wants? Kind of actually. Casting a wide net excites me. I love learning about people and dates are a great way to do it. It’s also an abundance mindset: “I might actually be really compatible with someone I don’t expect”.

Defaulting to getting to know women helps my longer term goals. I will learn more about myself and the relationship I want by getting to know a handful of women well over a year than I will going on dozens of first dates. Defaulting to getting to know people also obviously opens the door for a relationship.

None of this is revolutionary, but the basics help me. I feel good about this approach for now and will adjust as I go.

where it fell short

The advice in the book is pragmatic as you would expect from an author in Silicon Valley. Those are my roots too so I resonate with that mindset! I also think that mindset can miss the forest for the trees. The pragmatism taken to an extreme can erase the very real people on the other side of the dates missing potential great matches or hurting others in the process. While dating data can show us trends, dating is inherently personal.

While this book addresses some popular narratives, like “The One”, it perpetuates others. Even the title “How To Not Die Alone” leverages one of people’s biggest fears.

rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

Hello :) I’m writing to you from LA again. Summer is coming. It’s 80 degrees and sunny. I’ve spent the last 6 weeks cleaning out my dad’s house in Alaska. It was a process. Thank you for being there with me throughout it.

what I’m thinking about

what I share

The morning I left my dad’s house for good, I wrote a letter to the house. I posted a video reading it. It provided closure to that chapter. I also immediately felt tired of posting about grief. I have posted about it consistently for months. Sharing, hearing your stories, and feeling your love has helped me so much in this process. It’s gotten me to this place where, after seeping in grief for the last month, I need a break.

We’ll see what that means in practice, but I’d like to share more about my grandma, my life, dating, masculinity, and other things I think about. I’ll try new topics and content formats. Let me know what you think.

dating

I started dating again in December. I went on a few dates in January, but haven’t been on many since. I’ve learned a lot on those few dates, but want to approach dating more intentionally. For example, I’ve only met people through dating apps. That helped me ease back into dating, but I’d like to meet more women offline, particularly through friends.

what I’m feeling

I am in a phase of a now familiar cycle that I’m tired of. The last year has oscillated between intense emotional demand when I feel exhausted and a reprieve when I feel excited. My dad’s house was exhausting, now I feel excited.

I’m tired of this cycle because it’s hard for me to build momentum with work, content, and dating. I’m desperate for some focus in life and the interruptions make it hard.

I know I have one more cycle coming up: we are burying my dad’s ashes in May. We’ll see where things go after that.

excited

Having said that, I do feel excited about life. Cleaning out my dad’s house lifted a weight off me. The excitement doesn’t stem from any one particular thing. It’s a feeling of freedom.

uncertain

I feel so much financial uncertainty. I’m still not sure where my income will come from. The tariffs add even more macro uncertainty. It feels like we haven’t gotten a break since COVID. COVID → inflation → tariffs. It’s brutal.

aimless

I crave focus and get tired of the interruptions because without it I feel aimless. It takes effort for me to focus, not just in a specific moment but at a high level of deciding where I want to put my energy.

I do question how much of this comes from wanting control though. Aimless feels bad, but maybe it’s just what figuring it out feels like?

lazy

I haven’t had a job in over a year and feel like I’ve forgotten what it means to work hard. I pride myself on working hard, and I’m frustrated at how little progress it feels like I’ve made on building a business. Logically, I know I’ve been working hard in some ways but I don’t feel that emotionally.

what I’m enjoying

white lotus

I finished S3 of The White Lotus. It wasn’t my favorite, but was a nice escape in Alaska.

outdoor runs

Running in the sun makes me happy. I feel rejuvenated. I slogged through treadmill runs in Alaska and am grateful to be back in SoCal.

panda express

I got Panda Express in Alaska for the first time in years. While the orange chicken needs no mention, I was sleeping on the teriyaki chicken. Delicious, and has great macros for those trying to get their protein in.

Thanks for reading. If you aren’t a subscriber and enjoyed this, I’d love for you to join us here. It’s less noisy and more intimate than Instagram and TikTok.

Subscribe now

- Grant

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As a result, I did not journal much this week.

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Thank you for your feedback on these last time around. I plan to keep them as is for now. I might add a summary at the top at some point.

Regular remi…

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Regular reminders:

1. There are parts of myself I’m not ready to share, so I don’t share everything.

2. I change names of some people and some locations.

3. I add context in brackets.

Sunday, February 16th

Read more

Before we dive in:

1. There are parts of myself I’m not ready to share, so I don’t share everything.

2. I change names of some people and some locations.

3. I add context in brackets.

Read more

Before we dive in:

1. There are parts of myself I’m not ready to share, so I don’t share everything.

2. I change names of some people and some l…

Read more

Before diving in, if you have settled an estate, I’d love to hear from you. There is a section near the end called “estate settlement”.

what I’m feeling

excited

Dating has been fun. I enjoy meeting new women, and the early nerves and excitement of dating make me feel like a kid. I last dated when I was 22. I was in a relationship for most of my 20s. That ended two years ago, and I have been doing my own thing since.

It’s not just dating. I feel free and that makes me excited. It’s going to be a good year. There will be ups and downs, but I feel excited for what’s to come.

overwhelmed

I often wake up indebted to my todo list. I want to do so much. I feel like opportunities are slipping by. I feel like I’m not doing enough.

peaceful

At the same time, I feel more at peace. I go to bed early and wake up early. I make my coffee, sit, and read for an hour. I pick a couple things to do each day and work on them in the morning. Today it’s writing this update.

grief (or lack thereof)

I don’t feel much grief when I’m in LA. I stay busy. I don’t associate my dad with LA. My grandma here is my mom’s mom. I am reminded of my dad and think about him, but the grief isn’t in the forefront.

I don’t know if I’m avoiding the grief or taking care of myself. Maybe both. I’m going back to Alaska to clean out my dad’s house soon. I’ll be sad, but will also feel close to him.

what I’m thinking

writing

I like to write. I enjoy Substack. But I’m still figuring out what this is going to be. What do I write about? How often do I write? What is behind the paywall?

I started answering questions last month. I enjoy it, but am going to test different ideas. A few I’m thinking about:

• vignettes about my dad, grief, and living with my grandma

• essays about life, culture, and dating

• journal entries I write throughout the week

• curated comments and stories from you

youtube

I’m intimidated by YouTube. I know it’s work, and I can be lazy. Combine that with not having done it before, and I find an bottomless supply of excuses.

However, YouTube appeals for two reasons:

1. Unlike Instagram, I would get paid when people watch my videos.

2. I’m limited by the 3 minute (previously 90 second) limit on Instagram. I could tell better stories on YouTube.

podcast

I think about a podcast as well. Publishing videos is social, but creating them is lonely. A podcast is usually social. Those episodes could be published on YouTube as well.

estate settlement

My family is settling my dad’s estate. It’s a slow process. My dad died three months ago, and we’re still waiting for the court to appoint my mom as executor. We contacted banks. We set up mail forwarding. We put his bills on our name. We are keeping track of expenses so we can be reimbursed from his estate. We will need to do his taxes and go through probate. It’s a painful, opaque, and slow process.

For those of you who have settled an estate, what has your experience been? What resources did you find helpful? Did you hire anyone to help? I’d love to hear about it.

what I’m enjoying

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

I struggled with the first third of this book. I’m listening to it, and have a hard time keeping many characters straight in audiobooks.

I’m enjoying it now though. Elizabeth is at Pemberley and is starting to understand her prejudice of Darcy. Darcy is clearly still in love with her.

Split pea soup

I talked with my grandma on the phone in Alaska over Christmas. “When you get back we’re going to get a honey-baked ham.” she said. And that’s exactly what we did. We got a quarter bone-in ham that fed us for days. Once we got tired of ham by itself, I made split pea soup. I used this recipe from NY Times Cooking, but here is a similar recipe in case the other is paywalled.

I hope you have a great weekend. Grandma and I are planning to go to the horse races with one of her friends assuming the weather holds up.

- Grant

The fires in LA have been horrific. My grandma and I are safe, but the loss is heartbreaking. Thank you to the first responders. My heart goes out to anyone affected.

This is a question asked by a subscriber / follower. You can ask me anything here.

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This is a question asked by a subscriber / follower. You can ask me anything here.

Question

Do you feel guilty when you’re having a nice time with your friend or catch yourself enjoying a movie that you’re not sad or grieving at the moment?

I started following you randomly one morning about a week after my dad passed and your videos are so relatable and gives me the feeling that I’m not alone. Keep doing what you’ve doing and thank you! :)

Answer

At times I feel guilty for not missing or thinking of him more. Most of the time I don’t feel sadness or longing. I know I miss him and wish he were here, but I often don’t feel the emotion. Sometimes when I haven’t thought of him in a while, I feel some guilt. On the surface, that guilt comes from feeling selfish. I think it feels like I’m too caught up in my own life to remember him.

On a deeper level, that guilt comes from an expectation of what grief should look like.

“If you really loved him, you’d be sad more often.”

“If you really missed him, you wouldn’t be able to enjoy a movie.”

I am new to losing a parent, but I have been told repeatedly by those wiser than myself that grief doesn’t look like any one thing. We do not need to perform grief. Grief is hard enough by itself without additional, arbitrary expectations.

It is also helpful for me to remind myself of the ways we have / are remembering my dad: holding memorials, sharing memories of him, archiving his photographs, writing about how I feel, finishing work that was important to him, etc.

There are times I feel intense grief. The sadness and longing is all consuming. Those are helpful reminders that the grief is there even if it isn’t always on the surface.

It’s okay to be kind to ourselves. :)

- Grant

Welcome to the new subscribers! I’m so excited you’re here. This email list is an experiment. Instagram is overwhelming so I wanted a place where it’s easier for us to connect. I’ll be experimenting with different types of writing and want your feedback.

Below is a question asked by a subscriber. I answer questions a few times a week. They’re fun, collaborative, and help me reflect. I hope they’re interesting to you. If you have a question, you can ask me anything here.

Question

How do you get the courage to start something new and stay motivated?

I recently lost my job after coming back from maternity leave.
I have (what I feel) is a good idea for my own business but I don’t know how to get the courage to get out there and I also find it hard to get myself motivated to start. Having a baby attached to me 24/7 also makes it difficult as I only have the evening hours of 9pm-2am to work on this.

Any help would be so appreciated.
Also I love your positivity, Grant. It is refreshing to see on social media.

All the best!

Answer

I’m sorry about your job. I know the anxiety and stress that can come from that. It’s tough.

struggling to get started

I also know what it feels like to have aspirations and struggle to get started. If you’re like me, that is food for self criticism. I see my inaction as proof that I don’t have what it takes to be successful which makes me discouraged which makes it even harder to get started.

For me, the struggle often comes from being too attached to outcomes. I make too much meaning of failure. A failure means that I’m not smart enough. It means that I won’t achieve my goals. It’s much more comfortable to sit with what could be than to face what is.

The problem here is telling myself stories that aren’t true:

• Failure defines me

• This is the only way to be successful and feel fulfilled

So what is true?

• Failure does not define me

• There are many paths to a happy, successful, and fulfilled life

• Creation is iterative. Regardless of whether it’s a business, a song, a relationship, or an answer to a question, creation happens in the process.

• We are only in control of what we do

• Failures allow us to move onto something else

• We will be okay :)

To get out of this mindset, I try to detach myself from the outcome by focusing on what I control. When I started posting on social media, I committed to posting a video every day for 30 days. The goal was to be consistent and learn. To be clear, I only did this after spending a year being too scared to start.

staying motivated

I get motivation from progress and talking to people. I am trying really hard to keep and build momentum. It’s partly why I push myself to post most days. Progress motivates me.

I have a few friends in similar phases of life. I talk with them often and lean on them when I’m struggling with motivation.

business specifics

You can get quick validation for most business ideas. One of the ideas I had last year was an app that would help people get to know their parents better. After struggling to get started, I texted a half dozen friends and told them I was interested in helping people get to know their parents. For $20 I would ask their parents questions and record their answers. I asked if they were interested or if they knew anyone who would be. No one took me up on it!

At first I felt like shit, but after a day or two I felt relieved. I didn’t waste much time and could move onto something else I was excited about. I got that approach from Million Dollar Weekend. These types of books are trite. They sell a dream (just look at that title!). However, they can still be helpful.

closing thoughts

I would be remiss not to mention that I don’t even have a job let alone a kid. You have very real constraints on your time and energy that I do not have. My struggle to get started is solely an emotional one. Whatever you decide, be kind to yourself :)

Thanks for reading.

- Grant

This is the very first paid subscriber post! Thank you for supporting me. I’m going to be experimenting with different topics and formats. I just finished up reflecting on the past year and planning for the next. This is a deep dive into that process. I hope you enjoy it.

The end of year reflecting and planning is stressful for me. Perfectionism leads to wanting control. I feel a need to put a tidy bow on the year. I feel a need to have the perfect plan. In the past I set specific goals. I remember a time in my early 20s when friends and I quizzed each other on our new year goals, their metrics, and timelines. I don’t think I hit a single one.

I think of this as as a “top down” approach to life. I conjure up an “ideal” version of myself and then work backwards to set goals. When I was in a relationship this could look like: I will be enough if I’m a good boyfriend, and if I plan more dates then I will be a good boyfriend. All I need is to do plan more dates and I will be enough. This approach has rarely worked in my life.

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context

I think often about how the narratives I tell myself affect the outcome of my life. I saw this prompt for ai about exactly that so gave it a shot. It turned out better than I expected.

I used ChatGPT and the 4o model if you want to try it yourself. If you do try it, share what your experience was in the comment if you’re comfortable.

conversation

Below is my full, unedited conversation. My messages have the green bar to the left.

I want to uncover the masks I'm currently wearing, the roles I'm playing, and the illusions I'm believing. Please guide me through this process by asking me 10 reflective questions one at a time to help me recognize the stories I'm telling myself. Pause after each question to wait for me to answer. After I answer the 10th question, please step into the role of my higher self and analyze my responses. Identify the top negative patterns present in my life and the top positive patterns I can embrace and grow. Be direct and truthful. Tough love is welcome. Provide me with daily affirmations to support my growth, actionable steps to change my behaviors, and embody my authentic self. A message of encouragement from my higher self to celebrate how far I've come on my journey.

Question 1:

What are the most common labels or roles you use to describe yourself (e.g., professional titles, relationship roles, personality traits), and how do these roles make you feel about yourself?

Software developer, son, grandson, boyfriend, smart. Software developer makes me feel proud. It makes me feel smart and accomplished. Successful. Son and grandson feel factual. They don't feel particularly meaningful one way or the other. I don't feel pride in boyfriend. It feels more like a label put on me than one I really identify with. Smart is an interesting one. I feel some pride in it, but it also feels like a mask. I dont' fully believe it.

Question 2:

What are the moments in your daily life where you feel most disconnected from yourself or uncomfortable in your skin? What triggers those feelings?

- when I get too caught up in what others are doing

- when I forget where I am from and how I grew up

- where I feel shame or judgement

- when I don't feel like enough

Right now this most often comes up in my career. I feel like I'm failing compared to others often. I feel like I don't have what it takes to build a successful company. I think I'm falling behind. I'm not where I should be financially.

Question 3:

What stories are you telling yourself about who you need to be in order to succeed or be worthy? Where do these stories come from?

I tell myself I need to be smarter and work harder. I tell myself that if I build a successful company that I will have "made it". I will "have what it takes". I will be part of the group. These stories largely come from tech and twitter to be honest. It feels to me like many people have built successful companies and if I'm smart enough and work hard enough I should be able to as well. At the same tiem, I feel like I'm not doing as well as the friends who have worked at large tech companies their whole career. They are buying expensive houses and are probably better off financially.

Question 4:

When you envision "success," what does it look like? Whose definition of success are you following?

I want to have control over my time. I want to be financially free. I want to work on the things I want to, but I want to have flexibility to show up for people in my life. For me, the first step of success would be 200k in annual profit for a business. The next step would be 1M in annual profit. Success is largely work driven, but outside of that having a healthy relationship is really important to me. Having kids and raising them well. Spending time with my family and enjoying life. Not having to wake up to an alarm. Being able to read a lot. Those are all forms of success for me.

Question 5:

When you think about the gap between where you are now and your vision of success, what emotions arise? How do those emotions influence your daily decisions and actions?

Failure? Fear? I feel like I should be further along than I am I think that's where it is. Hmm they probably both encourage me to work and keep pushign while also making the work much less fun. I think it's not fun because I feel like I need to play catch up. I have expectations of how quickly things need / should happen. They also cause me ot have less fun and enjoy life less. I feel like I shouldn't be having fun as long as I haven't "made it". That's not really true. I still have fun and do a lot of things, but I feel guilty about it oftenn.

Question 6:

What would it look like to let go of the timelines and expectations you’ve set for yourself? What would your life feel like if you gave yourself permission to embrace where you are right now?

I would live a more authentic life I think. I would do more of the things I wanted to. I would enjoy the journey more.

Question 7:

What fears come up when you think about releasing those expectations and just enjoying the journey? What do you worry might happen?

I worry that I won't find success. I fear that I will get lazy or won't work as hard. I worry that time will run out. I'll have a family and kids and not be able to work on the things I want in the way that I want.

Question 8:

Who would you be if you fully trusted yourself—your work ethic, your creativity, your intuition—to guide you toward the life you want? What qualities would you embody?

I would be more at peace. I would be a better friends and person because I wouldn't be jealous of others. I wouldn't be as critical of myself which would help my confidence I think.

Question 9:

What’s one belief or story about yourself that feels the most restrictive or untrue right now? What would happen if you chose to rewrite it?

That I don't have what it takes to be successful. I would feel so much lighter and capable. I think that that belief is probably a self fulfilling philosophy.

Question 10:

When you think about the authentic version of yourself—the person free of masks, roles, and illusions—what does that version of you look and feel like? How does that version of you live day to day?

That person feels at peace. They are capable and confident. They are living life for themselves and not based on waht others think. They would balance being okay wtih life unfolding while being intentional in teh areas they can control. They would have meaningful connections with friends and family, be active, and working on fun things.

Higher Self Analysis of Your Responses

Top Negative Patterns Present in Your Life

1. Comparative Thinking: Measuring your worth and progress against others, especially in career and financial milestones, creates unnecessary pressure and self-doubt.

2. Conditional Self-Worth: Tying your sense of accomplishment to external achievements and timelines undermines your ability to feel successful in the present.

3. Fear-Based Motivation: Fear of failure, running out of time, or not being enough drives you but also drains the joy from your journey.

4. Guilt Around Enjoyment: Feeling you don’t “deserve” fun or rest until you’ve reached a specific level of success prevents you from embracing life fully.

Top Positive Patterns to Embrace and Grow

1. Self-Awareness: You are highly reflective and articulate about your emotions, beliefs, and patterns, which is a powerful foundation for growth.

2. Desire for Authenticity: Your yearning to live more authentically and enjoy the journey is a strong motivator for change.

3. Vision of Success Beyond Work: You value meaningful relationships, personal growth, and peace, which demonstrates a holistic understanding of success.

4. Work Ethic and Intention: You have the drive and intentionality needed to succeed—you just need to balance it with self-trust and joy.

Daily Affirmations

1. "I trust in my abilities and the unique path I am on."

2. "I am enough just as I am today."

3. "I release timelines and expectations that do not serve my joy."

4. "Success flows from peace and authenticity, not from fear or comparison."

5. "I deserve rest, connection, and enjoyment regardless of external achievements."

Actionable Steps to Embody Your Authentic Self

1. Practice Gratitude for the Present: Begin each day by listing three things you’re grateful for, focusing on where you are now rather than where you “should” be.

2. Limit Comparisons: Reduce exposure to social media or people who amplify feelings of inadequacy. Create boundaries that protect your mental space.

3. Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge progress daily, even if it’s just one step closer to your goals. This will reframe your mindset toward success.

4. Build Self-Trust: Take one small, courageous action daily that aligns with your authentic self—whether that’s a creative project, rest, or reaching out to a friend.

5. Engage in Joyful Activities: Schedule time each week for something you love purely for its own sake—reading, running, cooking, or connecting with loved ones.

6. Reflect on Progress: Journaling weekly about how you’re embodying peace, intention, and authenticity will help you stay aligned with your vision.

Message of Encouragement from Your Higher Self

Grant, you’ve come so far, even if you don’t always see it. Your willingness to reflect, question, and grow is a testament to your strength and resilience. The version of you that you’re striving to become is already within you—you just need to let go of the stories that tell you otherwise. Trust in your journey, honor your pace, and know that your worth is not tied to a number, a title, or anyone else’s timeline. You are enough. You are capable. And the life you envision is already unfolding beautifully, step by step. Keep going—you’re exactly where you need to be.

That message is meaningful. It is what I need to hear. It’s strange and uneasy to feel “seen” by something generated by ai. Thanks for reading.

- Grant

Question

Are you excited for Christmas or do you anticipate it will be hard this year?

I ask because I think a lot about my parents on Christmas time....

Answer

Merry Christmas Eve :) I think the answer is both?

I feel some dread about tomorrow. I don’t know what waking up in the morning, opening presents, and having breakfast is going to feel like. This is the first Christmas without my dad. I’ll miss seeing him drinking tea when I get up, watching him open his presents, and the waffles he made every Christmas. Last Christmas was also the last time he was healthy. His leukemia symptoms started in early January.

At the same time, I enjoy Christmas. I enjoy slowing down, spending time with family, eating good food, and giving and receiving gifts. I still feel that even though I miss him a lot. My dad would want us to enjoy Christmas. We’re going to cook a ham for dinner. I’m making scalloped potatoes and a lemon meringue pie. My brother is making the breakfast waffles. I know my dad would be happy to see that tradition carried on. It’s important to me to remember him while still enjoying life. Grief is compatible with joy.

Thank you for reading and if you’re celebrating the holidays without someone, I’ll be thinking of you.

- Grant

I try to keep these answers short which means there is inevitably more I want to say than I write. Anyone can ask a follow up (or anything else) here:

Ask me anything

Question

How do you stay so positive?

I'm going through a difficult time at the moment but even after losing your dad you still seem so optimistic, so hopeful. How?

Answer

I think I identify with hopeful more than optimistic. I don’t subscribe to the always positive, “good vibes only” mindset either. Life has a lot of hardship. My life this year has sucked in many ways. My dad’s leukemia treatment was awful as was his death. Losing my job was terrible. Seeing my grandma get old and her struggles is hard. The anxiety from the uncertainty of my life is a constant battle.

At the same time, I am grateful for so much in life:

• I had a meaningful relationship with my dad

• I spent a lot of time with him before he died

• He died relatively quickly and without much pain

• I have a mom and brother whom I’ve become closer with

• I have a platform to share my and my dad’s stories

• I’ve become a better, more empathetic person

• I’ve connected with people from all over the world

• I’ve learned a lot about myself

and there is so much more beyond my dad that I’m grateful for as well:

• I have a grandma I’m close with that lets me stay with her

• I am financially able to not work for a year

• I get to work on the things that I’m interested in

• I can work from anywhere

• I have a great group of friends who check in on me

• I have a hometown that always makes me feel welcome

• I am able to lift weights and run

• I climbed Mt. Whitney this summer

• I saw one of my best friends get married

• I get to read and learn about the world

• I drink coffee and eat good food

• I get to share that food with people I care about

To be clear, I don’t always feel that gratitude. I try to remind myself what I’m grateful for and sit with the feeling when I don’t. Journaling and making lists like the one above help. I can’t recommend it enough.

This isn’t to white wash the hardship and pretend it doesn’t exist either. It’s just not the only thing that exists.

resilience

I also try to reminding myself that I’ll be okay. I think that belief is what resilience is. That doesn’t mean that everything will be okay, but whatever happens I’ll be okay. I will find a way to be okay.

That also means that I am responsible for finding a way to be okay. One of the hardest parts of losing my dad and my job was not being in control of the ultimate outcome. It was and still is important for me to focus on the things I can control to counteract that. Exercise, diet, reading, journaling, spending time with friends and family, doing things that sound fun, and being outside are just a few of the many things in my control that I lean on.

None of this makes the hurt go away. It just makes it more bearable.

final random thought

I wasn’t sure where to fit this in, but think it’s important to note. I spent a lot of time helping my dad in his final months. I think that has a big impact on how I feel. I’m not stuck with much guilt or regret. I am proud of how I showed up.

The time was all consuming and, now that it’s over I have my life back. I feel relieved and excited which keep me hopeful and moving forwards.

Thanks for reading.

- Grant